Back Again

Wow! It's been a long time since I have blogged. I have to admit I was wondering if I should continue. I'm not sure if it's been helpful or not, as I'm in the same place that I was in since the beginning. What the hell? Might as well try again...at least I'll have an outlet for myself.

So the update....Only 5 days after my duedate, I had a baby girl:) She came into this world pretty quickly...I was in the hospital for about 4 hours and it took three pushes and she was out weighing 7 lbs. 7 oz. The first weeks were tougher then with my first, but after we got to know each other better, things smoothed out. Baby M is a very good sleeper and a sweetie. Z has done really well and is very protective of her. I love seeing the two of them interact together.

In total, I gained about 40 lbs this pregnancy. Much better then last time, but since I was bigger to start with, the extra weight made things pretty uncomfortable. My weight was 292.6 lbs just before I had her. My highest weight ever and it felt pretty scary to be so close to the 300 mark. Since M's birth I have lost about 25 lbs. Most of that came off in the first month and then came to a halt until a few weeks ago.

So what's changed? Well, I have tried to start breastfeeding/pumping more. When I started back at work last month, I felt my supply was going down and have had to work at getting it back up. Also, because Baby M has been sleeping through the night since she was about 6 weeks old, I wasn't having those night time feeding to keep my supply up (by the way...her sleeping through the night still surprises me...Z didn't sleep through the night until about 14 months old!). Anyway, I think the extra breastfeeding/pumping is helping me burn some extra calories and I have also started walking during the day to and from my mother-in-law's house when I go to nurse M at lunch time. So, I think that is why I am finally starting to lose again. I'm still not down to my pre-pregnancy weight (and once I'm there, I've still got a long way to go!), but I am feeling really encouraged that the scale is finally going down.

I have made quite a few decisions about things I want to change in my life in the past few weeks. I will share some of those tomorrow. Right now I'm just happy to say I'm pretty happy. Life is no where near perfect but I am thankful for what I have.

Almost There

I'm now 37 weeks along and getting closer to the end. So far this pregnancy has been really good. I have gained about 33 pounds now and am definetly feeling it. I don't feel bad about the weight gain itself. It's in the normal range (25-45lbs) for pregnancy, although since I was heavy to begin with, it could have been less.

Hopefully I won't gain anymore weight over the next 3 weeks because, like I said, I am feeling it. I just feel so heavy and awkward and just walking around takes so much out of me. I know that this weight will come off, because it really is baby weight this time around (compared to last time...30 lbs of Baby + 30 extra lbs of fat), but I have also realized how much I do not want to do this again. By this I mean starting a pregnancy at 255 lbs and ending it close to 290 lbs. I freak out a little when I realize I am only 10 lbs away from 300 lbs. This is the heaviest I have ever been in my life and that's not a fun thing to realize.

I am feeling a little worried about my upcoming labor and delivery as well. With my son I was able to move around quite a bit, changing positions as I needed to, and my husband and the midwife helped hold my legs up while I was pushing...but I am worried that I won't be able to get around as easy and that it will be more difficult to hold my legs and push when the time comes. I know I can do it. I know my body will do it, but I also know that in some ways it may be more difficult.

I have already made myself a plan for getting back to exercising once the baby is here and managing my eating. I really think I am ready to take control of my obesity now. I am tired of feeling so slow and physically incapable of doing things. I am tired of feeling like everyone is staring at me and judging me. I'm tired of being the fat mom in my circle of friends. And I am tired of letting all the bad things that happen effect my life and my health. I want this for myself now. I want to go back to feeling confident and capable and not have to worry everyday about what people are seeing on the outside.

I know how to do this. I have done it before and I can do it again. I don't have to give up. I just have to start making myself a priority and enjoying things other then planning meals and eating them. I am so excited for this new baby. And I am also excited to get my body back and start using it again. I am not going to be embarrassed about trying to eat more healthy and exercise. I am going to ask for more help from my husband and mother-in-law so that I can have time to myself to exercise and shop for healthy food. They want to help. It's only my pride and guilt that gets in the way of asking for it.

There are so many times when I look at my behavior and reactions to things and I get so upset. This isn't me. I am not a sad, angry, bitter person. I am not unfriendly and grumpy and snobby. And yet this is what's coming across. And I know it's coming from my own self-hatred. My feeling of inadequacy and out-of-control choices I keep making. I feel so sorry for my husband and son and family and friends because I know this isn't fair to them. I am a good person. I am caring, and giving, and funny and I want to be that person again.

I don't know how often I will be able to post after the baby is born since I don't have access to the internet at home, but I will be keeping a daily journal at home and once I'm back from maternity leave in February, I will update moe regulary.

Changes

It's been 5 months since my last post and a few things have changed...

the most significant being that I'm pregnant :) My posting ended about the same time I got pregnant. I'm due at the beginning of December so I'm 22 weeks along now. I know when I started this blog, the main idea was to help me lose weight before I got pregnant again, but my husband and I decided we were ready to have another baby, and we ended up getting pregnant the first month we started trying.

I am so happy to be pregnant. I've been feeling the baby move since about 2 months ago and it's the most wonderful feeling. So far, I have been healthy. I had some rough morning sickness and nausea in the first 3 months, but since my second trimester started, I've been feeling good. I've gained about 10 lbs so far. When I went for my second Dr's appointment, I was very upset about my weight gain. And then upset at myself for being upset! The goal of this pregnancy is to have a healthy baby and a safe delivery. The goal is not to lose weight! I keep having to remind myself to not stress out about my weight. I have been eating well. I've been craving fruits and veggies (especially broccoli and salads) and am trying my best not to overeat or indulge too much. All in all 10 lbs at 22 weeks is not bad at all.

I am starting to show, but only people that see me everyday can really tell I'm pregnant. The top of my belly is pushing out, but since the bottom "roll" was big to begin with, I don't have a nice round belly. With my first pregnancy, I really starting showing at about 6 months, and by 7 months there was no doubt I was pregnant. However, this time around, I started off at almost the same weight that I was at the end of my pregnancy the first time. So obviously, there's a lot of extra padding that has to be pushed around before people will be able to see the baby.

I am trying my best to stay away from people who made comments about how fat I was when I was pregnant with Z. They didn't make me feel good last time, so there's no reason to hang around with them now. I have been walking several times a week, which has helped a lot with the back pain and achiness of being pregnant.

I have another Dr's appointment next week, and I will hopefully have an ultrasound. We don't want to find out the sex of the baby, but I just want to be reassured that the baby is fine and growing.

I don't know if anyone really reads this blog. I guess it's more for me than anyone else. But if you are reading, thank you. It's nice to think that maybe someone is going through the same thing as me that I'm not alone in this.

Long Weekend Ahead

Tomorrow is a holiday here so I've got 3 days which include my husband's birthday Saturday and a baby shower for a friend on Sunday. I really have to plan out what I'm going to eat so I don't go overboard. Today I'm going to the market for lots of fresh local food so I can keep eating healthy.

I need to get back into my exercise routine in the mornings on weekends as well. I wish I could get myself to wake up early on the weekdays to get my exercise in too. I do so much better throughout the day when I exercise first, but it's so hard to think about getting up at 5 or 5:30 before Z wakes up so I can do it (I am so not a morning person!). I think that will be my goal for this coming weekend and next week....do at least 20 minutes of a workout DVD every morning. I know if I make it a habit it will get easier, it's just those first steps that are so hard!

My weigh-in's on Monday, so wish me luck. Hope you all have a great weekend!

A Miracle

I've had 2 good days in a row now and am already feeling better. And last night the miracle occurred....I didn't finish my dinner! I am normally the "lick the plate clean" kind of girl. I hate wasting food (which is a ridiculous thought anyway...that's what the fridge is for) and I felt so good last night when I decided I was full and didn't polish off the last of my dinner. It really was an internal battle. I was arguing with myself:

"You're actually really full so you don't need to eat that last 1/2 cup there"

"Yeah, but it's only a 1/2 cup so may as well just eat it"

"But you're full. Really, you don't need it"

"But then it will go to waste, just eat it and you'll not have to throw anything away"

"No. YOU. ARE. FULL. Stop! Back away from the plate"

"Yes! You're right, I am full! I don't have to finish it all!"

Seriously, this is huge for me. Just last week I had lunch out with my husband and he didn't finish his fries, and even though I was completely full, I ate the fries so they "wouldn't go to waste".

So that's my little victory for this week.


P.S. Thanks so much Scarlett for your comment on my last post. It's easy to feel alone in this process and I really appreciate your encouragement:)

245.5

Yikes. The scale keeps going up and it's not surprising. The way I have been eating and the lack of exercise...a gain is to be expected. I wish I could get out of this routine of self-destructive behavior. Yesterday I sat down just an hour after lunch and proceeded to finish off a bag of potato chips and cookies just because. I wasn't hungry. I actually felt sick while I was eating and yet I didn't stop.

I have decided to set some mini-goals and rewards for myself. Maybe it will help motivate me. I am feeling like everything in my life is a mess right now. Do you ever have those days where you feel like you're crap at everything? Lately I've been feeling like I can't get anything right....I feel like I'm crap at work, at keeping my house clean, at being a wife, at being a mom, at losing weight. I know I need to stop thinking so negatively and do better but it's been really hard.

Yesterday I made some progress I think (except for the out-of-control eating). Z and I had a really good afternoon playing. I cooked a nice dinner. Bedtime went well. I managed to finally re-organize and clean up all of Z's toys which were such a mess. The laundry got folded. We (Z and I) took two short walks, about 15 minutes each to the store and then to a friend's house. M and I didn't get in any fights. So maybe I'm not completely crap.

Mini-Goals and Rewards

239 lbs - New face and eye cream
235 lbs - Buy an exercise ball
229 lbs - Buy a Yoga Mat
225 lbs - New Haircut
219 lbs - Buy a blender! (I have wanted one for a really long time now!)

Today I am going to walk home from work (30 minutes) and do a DVD workout after Z goes to bed. As far as eating today, I am going to try and eat 5 fruits and veggies and measure my portions. I am also going to give up chocolate. I just have to do it. I can't control myself around it.

More Excuses

Yesterday I came up with a million excuses not to exercise:

-Too tired from not enough sleep the night before
-M working overnight so all other household/parenting duties on me
-Having some mini-asthma attacks and having to use my inhaler a few times
-Z not wanting to fall asleep at his normal bedtime
-Dishes to do (still didn't get done)
-Laundry to fold (also did not get done)

And I let the excuses win. I feel pathetic and lazy and disappointed in myself again. I only set one goal for myself yesterday and still couldn't get moving.

This has got to stop. I have to start exercising again. I know I feel better when I do...more energy, I sleep better, I don't have such a big appetite...but why isn't this enough to motivate me?

*Deep breath* Okay. I will do this. Tonight after Z goes to sleep, I will do the 20-minute Bootcamp workout from my Biggest Loser DVD.

I WILL DO IT.

I started keeping track of my calories again. I have been lying to myself about what I've been eating really. Thinking "No way could I have eaten more than 1500 calories today." Well yesterday, Day 14, was 2,067 calories. Not great.

So today, Day 15, my goals are to eat within my calories, exercise for 20 minutes, and think some positive thoughts. I really have to get out of this funk.