Hungry!

We have been so broke lately that I've been skipping lunch, and cooking some very cheap but not-so-healthy dinners. Last night we had rice and baked beans and cucumbers. And I am hungry, so now that it's payday I'm a little worried! I'm trying to plan out healthy meals, but I just want to buy everything that looks good and is ready fast so I can eat it as soon as possible. I haven't had money for the bus this week either, so I've had to walk a lot, which is good. Forced exercise is good for me, because I just have to do it or I can't get to work/pick up Z/ or whatever.

You'd think all this walking and not eating would make me lose weight, but no.

I'm up to 242lbs today. Part of this is my TOM, but come on? When is that scale going to start moving??? I keep thinking I'm past the 240 barrier and that I'm doing well, but no. It's really frustrating. I need to change something, but I don't know what to change. Ok, maybe that's not exactly true. There are a few things I can improve on.

1. Measuring out my portions. Not something I really ever do. I just eyeball it and maybe that's where the problem is.

2. Exercising twice a day. Once in the morning to get energized and once at night to stop myself from snacking (not that we've had anything to snack on lately.)

3. Stop weighing myself everyday. I just called M and told him to hide the scale before I get home. Obsessively weighing myself is not helping my confidence at all and leads to that "screw it" attitude when I don't see results.

4. Preparing my lunch and snacks for while I'm at work. (Again this hasn't been possible for the last 2 weeks because we've had no food, but it will be possible now.)

I am going to start weighing myself every Monday and posting the results. I haven't lately because I've been embarrassed at how up-and-down my weight has been. I think maybe I'll start my food diary/calorie counting again as well. The whole point of this blog was to make me be honest about my behavior when it comes to food, so ignoring things doesn't really help much does it?

Back to the Real World

I am a planner.

My favorite thing to do is to make lists of what needs to be done: shopping, fixing things, work, house cleaning. Pretty much anything. I was making a new weight loss list/plan and started to think about how many times I've done this in the past. And that maybe it was a bad thing to always have to re-organize myself to get back on track. But as I thought about it more and more, I wonder if it really is a bad thing? Maybe it's ok to continuously evaluate how you're doing and "start again" - again. I think it helps me. Laying out and changing the plan ever once in a while is better then just giving up, right?

The past month I've been off work and been home with Z. It was so nice to relax and hang out, and also get a million things crossed off all my lists. I'm holding steady at 238 lbs. I've been exercising with the Biggest Loser DVD's pretty consistently after my weight went up after Christmas. I'm really loving these DVD's. The workouts are short - 20 minutes - but they kick my butt! I love the kick boxing moves. And there's no dancing/grapevine crap. I hate that. I always feel like such an idiot.

Anyway..now I'm back at work. And it's ok. There's lots to do and it's kind of exciting starting off with the new year...lots of planning and new lists to make. Perfect:)

My goal for the rest of this month is to exercise 4-5 times a week and keep eating lots of veggies. I've been really good about not buying junk food, because, as I've said before I just can't control myself when there's a bag of cookies around the house.

So I'm happy to be back in the real world and I'm progressing slowly (ok, very slowly) and I'm good with that.

Happy New Year!

I remember maybe 8 years ago when I felt that I had done nothing important with my life. It was around that time I decided to become an overseas volunteer and try to do something more for other people. In a way I was escaping. Running away from the problems I was having with everyday life, nothing too bad, but I wasn't very happy.

And things started to change when I got here. There were so many more serious problems to worry about. I didn't stress about eating and exercising because I just had to do it. I started to eat to fuel my body rather than to try and fill up the void. I exercised because I had to get places, and walking was the only way to go. In a way it was extreme, but sometimes I wish I could just get back to the mentality...that I could stop stressing about superficial things and just live.

Sorry, I'm rambling...I guess every new year brings on reflections about the past....

Our holidays have been mellow. I exercised for 2 weeks straight, but then got off track the week of Christmas. My mom sent me some new workout videos that I have been trying to do. My eating has been off and on. I'm eating more fruits and veggies, but I really need to work on my portions.

We're off from work until mid January and since I don't have internet at home, I probably won't post much until then. Hopefully when I come back, I will have good news to report.

Hope you all have a safe and happy New Year's. And I hope those of you who are on this same journey to reclaim your life from food, feel good about the changes you've made so far.

Step Away From the Cheese....

This week has been crazy busy. It's report writing time which is a big part of my job and I have been consumed by work. This of course has lead me very astray in my eating. I have been missing lunch and therefore buying unhealthy snacks to get me to the evening; I've been going after the easiest things to make rather then taking extra time to prepare a healthier meal; and I've been staying up late at night which opens up all these extra hours for snacking.

Not good.

And the cheese. I have eaten so much cheese this week! Cheese and crackers, grilled cheese sandwiches, cheesy burritos. Oh la la. I have got to stop this. And there's no excuse too! It's summer here now so there's lots of local market foods available.... pineapples, mangos, papaya, sweet potato, cabbage, green peppers. All sorts of good stuff that I should be eating.

I do so much better when I plan my meals out and go shopping accordingly, and that's just something I haven't made time for the past few weeks. I haven't had an "official" weigh in for a while too. I am weighing in on Monday morning, so I've got 4 days to get back on track so I don't have to embarrass myself on Monday with a big gain!

See you on Monday...hopefully at 238 or less!

Feeling Invisible

There have been lots of times in my life that I've felt invisible. Lately the feeling keeps coming back and I find myself actually trying to make myself disappear.

We had a lunch party for my son's playgroup last week and I was feeling so intimidated. I only know one of the moms really, and was nervous to meet the others. I also knew I would be the biggest one there. All of the other moms are thin and fit and I felt so embarrassed that Z had to be the one with the fat mama. Not that he cares, but what if one day he does? Not that anyone would say anything to me about it, but what I was saying to myself was enough.

We also had a Thanksgiving dinner over the weekend with 3 other families. It was really great. I made most of the food, but we had it at a friend's house since our house is so tiny. However, during one of the conversations I had with one of the women about breastfeeding and babies and all that, she thought I was pregnant. I'm pretty sure she thought that because of the question I had asked her and not that my belly looked particularly huge that night, but now I can't stop thinking about it. I guess I do look a little pregnant with my big stomach. How embarrassing. Perfect time to disappear.

It was so nice when I didn't feel that I was invisible. It was so nice to feel that I was part of the group and that people respected me. I guess maybe that's it...I feel people can't respect me as much when they see that my weight is so out of control. And I know it sounds stupid, but I want my husband to be proud of me. He said he was really proud of me the other night for Thanksgiving with all of the great food, and he tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful all the time.

But it's just so hard to believe.

I wish I looked better is all. I wish I felt more comfortable in my own skin. I wish I didn't get so stressed out about what to wear because I am afraid of how big I look. I wish I could enjoy looking into the mirror and that I wasn't so afraid to go clothes shopping for fear of nothing fitting.

Etc.

I am doing OK, not great, food wise. I need to go back to counting calories to get back on track and stop buying so many treats. I need to get my exercise going again. It's the beginning of summer here now so it's getting hot, hot, hot which makes it a little hard to exercise during the day. I have decided to join the local gym for the next 2 months. When I was out-of-town last month I had the chance to use the gym at the hotel and it felt really good to use the weights and machines. We have a month off starting in 2 weeks so I'm really looking forward to having lots of time to devote to exercise and get into a good routine before going back to work in January.

I'm very much in a vacation mind set right now. I keep thinking about everything I want to do and making lists and avoiding all the things I should be doing at work right now. Not good. I just have to get through15 more days and then I'm free for an entire month. Yippee!!!

I haven't given up. I'm still working towards my goal. I'm still trying.

No, no, no!

It's starting already! The stress! One fight (over money) and one "discussion" (over time) and this morning I'm up 5 lbs. I didn't binge or anything, but I honestly wonder if the stress just makes my body rebel. This morning I felt tired and bloated and grumpy.

I hate it!

I hate feeling discouraged. It is so hard to pysche myself up constantly. I just want it to be easy. I want it to be easy to be happy and to find time to exercise and to eat well. Ug!

Okay, okay. One day at a time. Today I will have soup and salad for lunch. An apple for a snack. Stir-fry for dinner. I will walk to go get Z this afternoon and do my exercise DVD at home. I have a list of things to get done at work that I want to finish, and once I'm home tonight and Z has gone to bed, I need to finish unpacking and clean up the spare room.

I'm not going to think about what the scale says, and I really am going to have M hide it from me today.

Hello Again!

I know I haven't posted in quite some time, but surprise, surprise...it's not because I was doing bad...I've been doing good!

You're surprised aren't you?

Things have been so busy, but I've been keeping on track. I had to go overseas to a meeting, and really thought that I would gain weight.

But I didn't! I lost! I broke the 240 plateau! I weighed in yesterday morning at 238 lbs!!!

Yes, yes, yes! Finally!!!

So what made the difference? I've been thinking about that and here's what I've concluded.

1. I exercised. Everyday while I was away. Some days even twice! I took advantage of the gym at the hotel and walked as much as I could.

2. I had time. It was very hard being away from Z. This was the first time I left him overnight. But, I had so much free time every evening. It made me realize that I need to make time for myself to exercise everyday.

3. I wasn't stressed out. Being so far away, I had to let go of all of the things that I try and control on a day-to-day basis. This will be the hardest thing for me to try and work on.

4. I ate well. I had treats. I had dessert. But I balanced it all with the exercise.

5. I didn't have a scale and so I couldn't weigh myself everyday. I am telling M to hide the scale tonight and won't weigh again until Sunday.

I'm feeling very motivated since I have finally gotten below 240. I am going to try to keep up my exercise and make sure I am not stressing out about things I can't or don't need to control.

Wish me luck!