I'm now 37 weeks along and getting closer to the end. So far this pregnancy has been really good. I have gained about 33 pounds now and am definetly feeling it. I don't feel bad about the weight gain itself. It's in the normal range (25-45lbs) for pregnancy, although since I was heavy to begin with, it could have been less.
Hopefully I won't gain anymore weight over the next 3 weeks because, like I said, I am feeling it. I just feel so heavy and awkward and just walking around takes so much out of me. I know that this weight will come off, because it really is baby weight this time around (compared to last time...30 lbs of Baby + 30 extra lbs of fat), but I have also realized how much I do not want to do this again. By this I mean starting a pregnancy at 255 lbs and ending it close to 290 lbs. I freak out a little when I realize I am only 10 lbs away from 300 lbs. This is the heaviest I have ever been in my life and that's not a fun thing to realize.
I am feeling a little worried about my upcoming labor and delivery as well. With my son I was able to move around quite a bit, changing positions as I needed to, and my husband and the midwife helped hold my legs up while I was pushing...but I am worried that I won't be able to get around as easy and that it will be more difficult to hold my legs and push when the time comes. I know I can do it. I know my body will do it, but I also know that in some ways it may be more difficult.
I have already made myself a plan for getting back to exercising once the baby is here and managing my eating. I really think I am ready to take control of my obesity now. I am tired of feeling so slow and physically incapable of doing things. I am tired of feeling like everyone is staring at me and judging me. I'm tired of being the fat mom in my circle of friends. And I am tired of letting all the bad things that happen effect my life and my health. I want this for myself now. I want to go back to feeling confident and capable and not have to worry everyday about what people are seeing on the outside.
I know how to do this. I have done it before and I can do it again. I don't have to give up. I just have to start making myself a priority and enjoying things other then planning meals and eating them. I am so excited for this new baby. And I am also excited to get my body back and start using it again. I am not going to be embarrassed about trying to eat more healthy and exercise. I am going to ask for more help from my husband and mother-in-law so that I can have time to myself to exercise and shop for healthy food. They want to help. It's only my pride and guilt that gets in the way of asking for it.
There are so many times when I look at my behavior and reactions to things and I get so upset. This isn't me. I am not a sad, angry, bitter person. I am not unfriendly and grumpy and snobby. And yet this is what's coming across. And I know it's coming from my own self-hatred. My feeling of inadequacy and out-of-control choices I keep making. I feel so sorry for my husband and son and family and friends because I know this isn't fair to them. I am a good person. I am caring, and giving, and funny and I want to be that person again.
I don't know how often I will be able to post after the baby is born since I don't have access to the internet at home, but I will be keeping a daily journal at home and once I'm back from maternity leave in February, I will update moe regulary.
