Happy New Year!

I remember maybe 8 years ago when I felt that I had done nothing important with my life. It was around that time I decided to become an overseas volunteer and try to do something more for other people. In a way I was escaping. Running away from the problems I was having with everyday life, nothing too bad, but I wasn't very happy.

And things started to change when I got here. There were so many more serious problems to worry about. I didn't stress about eating and exercising because I just had to do it. I started to eat to fuel my body rather than to try and fill up the void. I exercised because I had to get places, and walking was the only way to go. In a way it was extreme, but sometimes I wish I could just get back to the mentality...that I could stop stressing about superficial things and just live.

Sorry, I'm rambling...I guess every new year brings on reflections about the past....

Our holidays have been mellow. I exercised for 2 weeks straight, but then got off track the week of Christmas. My mom sent me some new workout videos that I have been trying to do. My eating has been off and on. I'm eating more fruits and veggies, but I really need to work on my portions.

We're off from work until mid January and since I don't have internet at home, I probably won't post much until then. Hopefully when I come back, I will have good news to report.

Hope you all have a safe and happy New Year's. And I hope those of you who are on this same journey to reclaim your life from food, feel good about the changes you've made so far.

Step Away From the Cheese....

This week has been crazy busy. It's report writing time which is a big part of my job and I have been consumed by work. This of course has lead me very astray in my eating. I have been missing lunch and therefore buying unhealthy snacks to get me to the evening; I've been going after the easiest things to make rather then taking extra time to prepare a healthier meal; and I've been staying up late at night which opens up all these extra hours for snacking.

Not good.

And the cheese. I have eaten so much cheese this week! Cheese and crackers, grilled cheese sandwiches, cheesy burritos. Oh la la. I have got to stop this. And there's no excuse too! It's summer here now so there's lots of local market foods available.... pineapples, mangos, papaya, sweet potato, cabbage, green peppers. All sorts of good stuff that I should be eating.

I do so much better when I plan my meals out and go shopping accordingly, and that's just something I haven't made time for the past few weeks. I haven't had an "official" weigh in for a while too. I am weighing in on Monday morning, so I've got 4 days to get back on track so I don't have to embarrass myself on Monday with a big gain!

See you on Monday...hopefully at 238 or less!

Feeling Invisible

There have been lots of times in my life that I've felt invisible. Lately the feeling keeps coming back and I find myself actually trying to make myself disappear.

We had a lunch party for my son's playgroup last week and I was feeling so intimidated. I only know one of the moms really, and was nervous to meet the others. I also knew I would be the biggest one there. All of the other moms are thin and fit and I felt so embarrassed that Z had to be the one with the fat mama. Not that he cares, but what if one day he does? Not that anyone would say anything to me about it, but what I was saying to myself was enough.

We also had a Thanksgiving dinner over the weekend with 3 other families. It was really great. I made most of the food, but we had it at a friend's house since our house is so tiny. However, during one of the conversations I had with one of the women about breastfeeding and babies and all that, she thought I was pregnant. I'm pretty sure she thought that because of the question I had asked her and not that my belly looked particularly huge that night, but now I can't stop thinking about it. I guess I do look a little pregnant with my big stomach. How embarrassing. Perfect time to disappear.

It was so nice when I didn't feel that I was invisible. It was so nice to feel that I was part of the group and that people respected me. I guess maybe that's it...I feel people can't respect me as much when they see that my weight is so out of control. And I know it sounds stupid, but I want my husband to be proud of me. He said he was really proud of me the other night for Thanksgiving with all of the great food, and he tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful all the time.

But it's just so hard to believe.

I wish I looked better is all. I wish I felt more comfortable in my own skin. I wish I didn't get so stressed out about what to wear because I am afraid of how big I look. I wish I could enjoy looking into the mirror and that I wasn't so afraid to go clothes shopping for fear of nothing fitting.

Etc.

I am doing OK, not great, food wise. I need to go back to counting calories to get back on track and stop buying so many treats. I need to get my exercise going again. It's the beginning of summer here now so it's getting hot, hot, hot which makes it a little hard to exercise during the day. I have decided to join the local gym for the next 2 months. When I was out-of-town last month I had the chance to use the gym at the hotel and it felt really good to use the weights and machines. We have a month off starting in 2 weeks so I'm really looking forward to having lots of time to devote to exercise and get into a good routine before going back to work in January.

I'm very much in a vacation mind set right now. I keep thinking about everything I want to do and making lists and avoiding all the things I should be doing at work right now. Not good. I just have to get through15 more days and then I'm free for an entire month. Yippee!!!

I haven't given up. I'm still working towards my goal. I'm still trying.