Almost There

I'm now 37 weeks along and getting closer to the end. So far this pregnancy has been really good. I have gained about 33 pounds now and am definetly feeling it. I don't feel bad about the weight gain itself. It's in the normal range (25-45lbs) for pregnancy, although since I was heavy to begin with, it could have been less.

Hopefully I won't gain anymore weight over the next 3 weeks because, like I said, I am feeling it. I just feel so heavy and awkward and just walking around takes so much out of me. I know that this weight will come off, because it really is baby weight this time around (compared to last time...30 lbs of Baby + 30 extra lbs of fat), but I have also realized how much I do not want to do this again. By this I mean starting a pregnancy at 255 lbs and ending it close to 290 lbs. I freak out a little when I realize I am only 10 lbs away from 300 lbs. This is the heaviest I have ever been in my life and that's not a fun thing to realize.

I am feeling a little worried about my upcoming labor and delivery as well. With my son I was able to move around quite a bit, changing positions as I needed to, and my husband and the midwife helped hold my legs up while I was pushing...but I am worried that I won't be able to get around as easy and that it will be more difficult to hold my legs and push when the time comes. I know I can do it. I know my body will do it, but I also know that in some ways it may be more difficult.

I have already made myself a plan for getting back to exercising once the baby is here and managing my eating. I really think I am ready to take control of my obesity now. I am tired of feeling so slow and physically incapable of doing things. I am tired of feeling like everyone is staring at me and judging me. I'm tired of being the fat mom in my circle of friends. And I am tired of letting all the bad things that happen effect my life and my health. I want this for myself now. I want to go back to feeling confident and capable and not have to worry everyday about what people are seeing on the outside.

I know how to do this. I have done it before and I can do it again. I don't have to give up. I just have to start making myself a priority and enjoying things other then planning meals and eating them. I am so excited for this new baby. And I am also excited to get my body back and start using it again. I am not going to be embarrassed about trying to eat more healthy and exercise. I am going to ask for more help from my husband and mother-in-law so that I can have time to myself to exercise and shop for healthy food. They want to help. It's only my pride and guilt that gets in the way of asking for it.

There are so many times when I look at my behavior and reactions to things and I get so upset. This isn't me. I am not a sad, angry, bitter person. I am not unfriendly and grumpy and snobby. And yet this is what's coming across. And I know it's coming from my own self-hatred. My feeling of inadequacy and out-of-control choices I keep making. I feel so sorry for my husband and son and family and friends because I know this isn't fair to them. I am a good person. I am caring, and giving, and funny and I want to be that person again.

I don't know how often I will be able to post after the baby is born since I don't have access to the internet at home, but I will be keeping a daily journal at home and once I'm back from maternity leave in February, I will update moe regulary.

Changes

It's been 5 months since my last post and a few things have changed...

the most significant being that I'm pregnant :) My posting ended about the same time I got pregnant. I'm due at the beginning of December so I'm 22 weeks along now. I know when I started this blog, the main idea was to help me lose weight before I got pregnant again, but my husband and I decided we were ready to have another baby, and we ended up getting pregnant the first month we started trying.

I am so happy to be pregnant. I've been feeling the baby move since about 2 months ago and it's the most wonderful feeling. So far, I have been healthy. I had some rough morning sickness and nausea in the first 3 months, but since my second trimester started, I've been feeling good. I've gained about 10 lbs so far. When I went for my second Dr's appointment, I was very upset about my weight gain. And then upset at myself for being upset! The goal of this pregnancy is to have a healthy baby and a safe delivery. The goal is not to lose weight! I keep having to remind myself to not stress out about my weight. I have been eating well. I've been craving fruits and veggies (especially broccoli and salads) and am trying my best not to overeat or indulge too much. All in all 10 lbs at 22 weeks is not bad at all.

I am starting to show, but only people that see me everyday can really tell I'm pregnant. The top of my belly is pushing out, but since the bottom "roll" was big to begin with, I don't have a nice round belly. With my first pregnancy, I really starting showing at about 6 months, and by 7 months there was no doubt I was pregnant. However, this time around, I started off at almost the same weight that I was at the end of my pregnancy the first time. So obviously, there's a lot of extra padding that has to be pushed around before people will be able to see the baby.

I am trying my best to stay away from people who made comments about how fat I was when I was pregnant with Z. They didn't make me feel good last time, so there's no reason to hang around with them now. I have been walking several times a week, which has helped a lot with the back pain and achiness of being pregnant.

I have another Dr's appointment next week, and I will hopefully have an ultrasound. We don't want to find out the sex of the baby, but I just want to be reassured that the baby is fine and growing.

I don't know if anyone really reads this blog. I guess it's more for me than anyone else. But if you are reading, thank you. It's nice to think that maybe someone is going through the same thing as me that I'm not alone in this.

Long Weekend Ahead

Tomorrow is a holiday here so I've got 3 days which include my husband's birthday Saturday and a baby shower for a friend on Sunday. I really have to plan out what I'm going to eat so I don't go overboard. Today I'm going to the market for lots of fresh local food so I can keep eating healthy.

I need to get back into my exercise routine in the mornings on weekends as well. I wish I could get myself to wake up early on the weekdays to get my exercise in too. I do so much better throughout the day when I exercise first, but it's so hard to think about getting up at 5 or 5:30 before Z wakes up so I can do it (I am so not a morning person!). I think that will be my goal for this coming weekend and next week....do at least 20 minutes of a workout DVD every morning. I know if I make it a habit it will get easier, it's just those first steps that are so hard!

My weigh-in's on Monday, so wish me luck. Hope you all have a great weekend!

A Miracle

I've had 2 good days in a row now and am already feeling better. And last night the miracle occurred....I didn't finish my dinner! I am normally the "lick the plate clean" kind of girl. I hate wasting food (which is a ridiculous thought anyway...that's what the fridge is for) and I felt so good last night when I decided I was full and didn't polish off the last of my dinner. It really was an internal battle. I was arguing with myself:

"You're actually really full so you don't need to eat that last 1/2 cup there"

"Yeah, but it's only a 1/2 cup so may as well just eat it"

"But you're full. Really, you don't need it"

"But then it will go to waste, just eat it and you'll not have to throw anything away"

"No. YOU. ARE. FULL. Stop! Back away from the plate"

"Yes! You're right, I am full! I don't have to finish it all!"

Seriously, this is huge for me. Just last week I had lunch out with my husband and he didn't finish his fries, and even though I was completely full, I ate the fries so they "wouldn't go to waste".

So that's my little victory for this week.


P.S. Thanks so much Scarlett for your comment on my last post. It's easy to feel alone in this process and I really appreciate your encouragement:)

245.5

Yikes. The scale keeps going up and it's not surprising. The way I have been eating and the lack of exercise...a gain is to be expected. I wish I could get out of this routine of self-destructive behavior. Yesterday I sat down just an hour after lunch and proceeded to finish off a bag of potato chips and cookies just because. I wasn't hungry. I actually felt sick while I was eating and yet I didn't stop.

I have decided to set some mini-goals and rewards for myself. Maybe it will help motivate me. I am feeling like everything in my life is a mess right now. Do you ever have those days where you feel like you're crap at everything? Lately I've been feeling like I can't get anything right....I feel like I'm crap at work, at keeping my house clean, at being a wife, at being a mom, at losing weight. I know I need to stop thinking so negatively and do better but it's been really hard.

Yesterday I made some progress I think (except for the out-of-control eating). Z and I had a really good afternoon playing. I cooked a nice dinner. Bedtime went well. I managed to finally re-organize and clean up all of Z's toys which were such a mess. The laundry got folded. We (Z and I) took two short walks, about 15 minutes each to the store and then to a friend's house. M and I didn't get in any fights. So maybe I'm not completely crap.

Mini-Goals and Rewards

239 lbs - New face and eye cream
235 lbs - Buy an exercise ball
229 lbs - Buy a Yoga Mat
225 lbs - New Haircut
219 lbs - Buy a blender! (I have wanted one for a really long time now!)

Today I am going to walk home from work (30 minutes) and do a DVD workout after Z goes to bed. As far as eating today, I am going to try and eat 5 fruits and veggies and measure my portions. I am also going to give up chocolate. I just have to do it. I can't control myself around it.

More Excuses

Yesterday I came up with a million excuses not to exercise:

-Too tired from not enough sleep the night before
-M working overnight so all other household/parenting duties on me
-Having some mini-asthma attacks and having to use my inhaler a few times
-Z not wanting to fall asleep at his normal bedtime
-Dishes to do (still didn't get done)
-Laundry to fold (also did not get done)

And I let the excuses win. I feel pathetic and lazy and disappointed in myself again. I only set one goal for myself yesterday and still couldn't get moving.

This has got to stop. I have to start exercising again. I know I feel better when I do...more energy, I sleep better, I don't have such a big appetite...but why isn't this enough to motivate me?

*Deep breath* Okay. I will do this. Tonight after Z goes to sleep, I will do the 20-minute Bootcamp workout from my Biggest Loser DVD.

I WILL DO IT.

I started keeping track of my calories again. I have been lying to myself about what I've been eating really. Thinking "No way could I have eaten more than 1500 calories today." Well yesterday, Day 14, was 2,067 calories. Not great.

So today, Day 15, my goals are to eat within my calories, exercise for 20 minutes, and think some positive thoughts. I really have to get out of this funk.

Disappointed

I'm back from my work trip and very disappointed with what the scale is telling me. I ate pretty healthy, walked more then I have in ages, and still the scale is the same. I'm hoping some of this is PMS. I was just so sad when I got on the scale coming back. I really expected a loss.

The good news is I found my workout DVDs. They had been knocked behind the entertainment center by Z, and I finally saw them while I was cleaning up yesterday. My goal today is to work out when I get home from work. I'm sure it will kick my butt since I haven't done them in almost a month now.

Yesterday is the past...

How is it that that saying goes?

"Yesterday is the past, the future is a mystery, today is a gift that's why they call it the present." I've been trying to live in the present and it's going okay. Days 3-5 were a little iffy. Not much exercise except for swimming in the ocean on Valentine's Day. Cookies were involved each of the days and my body was feeling like a wreck. Stomach cramps, headaches, and the backyard blues if you know what I'm saying.

Day 6 was a bit better. I left yesterday to fly to another island and I'm doing okay.

Breakfast:
2 pieces bread w/ peanut butter
Coffee

Lunch:
Bread
1/2 Avocado
1 Mandarin
1 Sprite

Snack:
1 small bag chips
chocolate bar

Dinner:
3 scrambled eggs w/sausage and onions
1 avocado
8 cherry tomatoes
Tortilla chips
1 chocolate bar

Exercise: 2 15-minute walks

Mood: Tired from the very long day. A little lonely missing M and Z. Happy about the work I accomplised and the conversations I had w/co-workers.

My goals for today are:

1. Lots of walking (it's easy to do here because I'm staying and town and everything is just close enough that you feel silly taking a taxi)

2. No junk food (chocolate and chips!)

3. Eat 5 fruits and veggies

That should be pretty easy to focus on so I don't feel overwhelmed. I am tired of having an upset stomach so I really need to stop eating so much junk.

Day 2

So Day 2 should of course be a perfect example of me being re-committed, re-energized, re-everything-that-I-haven't-been-doing-and-now-am-going-to-be-doing, right?

Not so much. I did all right for a while and then ended up not so great.

Breakfast:
1 piece of banana bread
coffee w/milk and sugar

Lunch:
1 cup vegetable beef soup
1 cup carrot/cucumbers
1 cup papaya/lime juice

Snack:
2 oz cheese
1/2 tortilla
1/4 avocado

Dinner:
2 low-cal tortillas
3/4 cup bean/ground beef
salsa
3/4 avocado
2 oz cheese

Later Snack:
3 fish sticks
10 tator tots
2 pudding cups
3 pieces of chocolate cake

Exercise: none.

Mood: Started out ok, then on the way to take a bath Z slipped and banged his head on the doorframe leaving a huge bump. We were both pretty traumatized. M wasn't there to help (as usual) and by the time I got him settled down and in bed, I decided I needed to eat again. Wow. Looking at what I ate now is just so upsetting. I know why I binged, but why couldn't I stop it?

Next week I'll be traveling to 2 outer islands for work. I always seem to do pretty good while I'm away actually. I guess because my stress level is usually much less. I won't be taking Z and I'm kind of hoping that the week away will help with weaning him. I'm wondering if when I stop breast feeding it will be easier to lose weight. The last time I was away I lost 8 lbs and maybe not breast feeding had something to do with it. I'm not planning on expressing milk while I'm away like I did last time, so we'll see what happens.

Something Different

One thing about being a planner is that I am always looking at tomorrow rather then being able to focus on the here and now. So I am going to try something different. I'm going to try and take it one day at a time. That sounds silly when I write it, but maybe it will help me to focus on the choices I make each day rather then always saying "It doesn't matter, I'll make up for it tomorrow." I don't know if I'll be able to post eveyday, but I'm going to try my best. I know I avoid posting when I haven't done well, and as I've said before, that pretty much defeats the whole purpose of the "blogging to keep myself accountable".

So....Day 1

Weight: 244.5 lbs. (ahhhh!!!!) Ok...as my sister says "1,2,3 I'm over it".

Breakfast:
2 pieces toast w/butter
coffee w/milk and sugar

Lunch:
1 cup chicken and vegetable soup
2 pieces banana laplap
1 cup fruit salad w/avocado and papaya

Snack:
Peanuts
2 cookies

Dinner:
3 Boiled Chicken wings
3/4 cup Rice
1 slice cheese
4 1/2 pieces of chocolate cake

Mood: Hungry. If there had been anything else to eat I would have eaten it. Upset. M was really late and didn't call (this happens a lot and bothers me so much...his work is really demanding, but he needs to be better at calling and I need to realize I can't control it so it won't effect my mood as much as it does). Tired. I have been falling asleep with Z the past 2 weeks on most nights which is around 8 pm. I am sure that my diet and complete lack of exercise is the reason why.

Exercise: zip.zero.nada.

Weigh-In

So my official weigh in for Monday morning is 241.5lbs. That's up 3.5 since my last weigh in in November. It is what it is. I have been up and down the last 2 months, as high as 250 and as low as 236. But the important thing is that I'm still here and still trying.

I have exercised more consistently in the past month then I have in a long time, but my stress level this past month has been a lot higher. M and I have been fighting a lot...about big things and little things, but none of the fighting has left me feeling very good. So I've gained weight.

Here is what I would like to accomplish this week: (as I've mentioned, lists make me feel better)

1. Eat 5 fruits and veggies everyday
2. Exercise everyday (using my Biggest Loser DVD's at home)
3. Lower my stress level (i.e. make more of an effort to communicate better with M, even when he is being a big, grumpy jerk)

The last one is going to take a lot of effort :)

Hungry!

We have been so broke lately that I've been skipping lunch, and cooking some very cheap but not-so-healthy dinners. Last night we had rice and baked beans and cucumbers. And I am hungry, so now that it's payday I'm a little worried! I'm trying to plan out healthy meals, but I just want to buy everything that looks good and is ready fast so I can eat it as soon as possible. I haven't had money for the bus this week either, so I've had to walk a lot, which is good. Forced exercise is good for me, because I just have to do it or I can't get to work/pick up Z/ or whatever.

You'd think all this walking and not eating would make me lose weight, but no.

I'm up to 242lbs today. Part of this is my TOM, but come on? When is that scale going to start moving??? I keep thinking I'm past the 240 barrier and that I'm doing well, but no. It's really frustrating. I need to change something, but I don't know what to change. Ok, maybe that's not exactly true. There are a few things I can improve on.

1. Measuring out my portions. Not something I really ever do. I just eyeball it and maybe that's where the problem is.

2. Exercising twice a day. Once in the morning to get energized and once at night to stop myself from snacking (not that we've had anything to snack on lately.)

3. Stop weighing myself everyday. I just called M and told him to hide the scale before I get home. Obsessively weighing myself is not helping my confidence at all and leads to that "screw it" attitude when I don't see results.

4. Preparing my lunch and snacks for while I'm at work. (Again this hasn't been possible for the last 2 weeks because we've had no food, but it will be possible now.)

I am going to start weighing myself every Monday and posting the results. I haven't lately because I've been embarrassed at how up-and-down my weight has been. I think maybe I'll start my food diary/calorie counting again as well. The whole point of this blog was to make me be honest about my behavior when it comes to food, so ignoring things doesn't really help much does it?

Back to the Real World

I am a planner.

My favorite thing to do is to make lists of what needs to be done: shopping, fixing things, work, house cleaning. Pretty much anything. I was making a new weight loss list/plan and started to think about how many times I've done this in the past. And that maybe it was a bad thing to always have to re-organize myself to get back on track. But as I thought about it more and more, I wonder if it really is a bad thing? Maybe it's ok to continuously evaluate how you're doing and "start again" - again. I think it helps me. Laying out and changing the plan ever once in a while is better then just giving up, right?

The past month I've been off work and been home with Z. It was so nice to relax and hang out, and also get a million things crossed off all my lists. I'm holding steady at 238 lbs. I've been exercising with the Biggest Loser DVD's pretty consistently after my weight went up after Christmas. I'm really loving these DVD's. The workouts are short - 20 minutes - but they kick my butt! I love the kick boxing moves. And there's no dancing/grapevine crap. I hate that. I always feel like such an idiot.

Anyway..now I'm back at work. And it's ok. There's lots to do and it's kind of exciting starting off with the new year...lots of planning and new lists to make. Perfect:)

My goal for the rest of this month is to exercise 4-5 times a week and keep eating lots of veggies. I've been really good about not buying junk food, because, as I've said before I just can't control myself when there's a bag of cookies around the house.

So I'm happy to be back in the real world and I'm progressing slowly (ok, very slowly) and I'm good with that.