Still Here

I was seriously thinking about not posting anything today because I'm embarrassed that I gained weight. Of course that wouldn't really help with the accountability thing, so here I am.

I gained 4.5 lbs, putting me at 245lbs.

Breathe in, breathe out....ok.
Whatever.
I gained.
So this week I've got to work harder.

I must walk everyday! That is the key to me losing weight. And I need to plan our dinners this week so I'm not rushing around, starving, trying to think about what to cook, and snacking on things until I come up with something. I also think I'm going to just eat dinner earlier. I'm hungry when I get home, so I'll just start cooking straight away, and eat at 5:30 or 6 with Z. Then I can have a small snack if I want it later, instead of going crazy when I first get home from work.

So that's the plan. I'll let you know tomorrow how I did.

Pictures

I've finally managed to post some pictures of myself. They were taken earlier this month, so I'm guessing around 244 lbs. I didn't do very well yesterday. I didn't eat enough at lunch and so was starving once I got home leading to two tortills with cheese and some yogurt before dinner. Probably not as bad as I think it is, but today I feel blah. I don't even want to say what the scale said this morning. I am in denial.

There is another photo that M took last week when we went out to dinner for my birthday which is just awful. I can't believe how huge I look in it. Yuck. The worst part is my arms. I hate how big they are. Sorry, I'm not posting it!

I am trying not to get too down on myself and remember that I am capable of making these changes but I have to admit, I'm feeling discouraged. I have a feeling I will have gained weight this week come weigh-in on Sunday, and a part of me is thinking, "Well then, just screw it till Sunday and start again after that."

That of course wouldn't really help the situation.

So... this afternoon I am eating a snack before I go home so I don't overeat again, and am planning a healthy soup for dinner. I was hoping I would have the next episode of the Biggest Loser to watch to motivate me this weekend, but no luck. I'll have to wait till Monday. I'll just watch some old episodes and work out during them.

I guess that's about all for now. Here's a pick of M and Z. I know you can't really see their faces...sorry! I guess I feel weird posting pictures of my family since I'm trying to be annoymous.

Have a good weekend!

Not Quite Sinking...

Yesterday was close though. Tuesday I did well: walked to pick up Z and ate 1300 calories. Yesterday, Z's Uncle brought him to work, so I didn't walk and for dinner I made burritos. I love burritos. I love Mexican food. LOVE IT. And so even though I had already eaten, when M came home at 10 pm I was kinda hungry.

I should have gone to bed.

But instead, I had another small burrito with him. Putting me at 2000 calories for the day.

The scale this morning said 245. Yikes. Yes weight fluctuates from day to day, but I do not want to see 245 again. So today, Friday and Saturday I am going to need to step it up a notch if I want to keep losing.

I read an email from the Jillian Michael's Website thing, and it said that only after 30 minutes of exercise does your body start dipping into the extra fat stores and burning the fat. I normally only exercise for 30 minutes, so I am trying to figure out how I can fit in an extra 15 minutes to burn away my fat. I could try to walk Z all the way to my mother-in-laws house in the morning, but that would mean leaving the house by 7 am. Leaving by 7:45 is already difficult sometimes, so it would take some planning. The other thing is that I don't have good walking shoes. I always wear flip flops, which often leave my feet pretty sore after a 30 minute walk. I have done some running/walking at home just in the living room. I feel kind of ridiculous doing it, and again it leaves my feet sore from running barefoot on the cement floor. I don't have any workout tapes, but I've put that on my Christmas wish list (can't find them here). I know their are websites you can download workouts from, but for some reason they won't download here.

Payday is next week so if we've got a bit left over, I will buy myself some new tennis shoes. I found some great Chacos online (flip flop style but with foot support and tread) that I would love but they're expensive. Oh, the other thing about the shoes, is that I feel like such a dork wearing tennis shoes with a skirt. I only have one pair of pants, but they are getting too big now, so I wear skirts everyday (most women here do...it's considered culturally appropriate). I know, I'm being silly and vain. Who really cares about my footwear and fashion sense here?

I'm not trying to make excuses! I will figure out a way to exercise for longer periods and suffer through sore feet and blisters until I can buy some shoes.

Things I Wish For:

We have the basics here but there are some things that I really wish were available or cheaper...

whole wheat bread
whole wheat flour tortillas
corn tortillas
whole wheat flour
whole wheat pasta
brown rice
cheaper American fruit (Currently- apples, $1.50 for 1; Peaches, $7.50 lb; grapes- $8lb)
chicken breasts ($12 lb)
turkey
Cheerios
granola bars
yogurt (the good stuff $2.70 per container)

Don't get me wrong. I love all the local food and fruit, but sometimes you just want something from home and it's hard to make healthier versions of things when a lot of the healthier products aren't available or are really expensive. I do try and adjust things and make recipes with local ingredients, but what I wouldn't do for some of the conveniences of home:)

Monday: check

Yesterday I followed through! I walked to get Z and ate within my calories (1400). To explain my calorie intake...I went online and a website said I should eat 1240 calories to lose 2lbs. a week. That's fine... but then if I add on some calories for breastfeeding and when I exercise , I figure if I'm between 1400-1600 calories a day, I'm doing pretty well. Any less and I'm starving, which leads me to binge.

Z is 16 months old now, and during the week when I'm at work he drinks whole milk, but as soon as I pick him up in the afternoon, he's ready to nurse, and usualy nurses another 3-5 times before he goes to bed. He also nurses twice, sometimes 3 times in the morning before we go to work. On the weekends, he wants to nurse all the time! I can occasionally distract him with a sippy cup or a snack, but he still nurses at least 8-10 times. (Each feeding is one side). I don't want to stop him. I figure if he needs it then that's fine. I'm hoping before we have another baby, he will wean himself. It's sometimes a little exhausting, feeling as though my body isn't really my own, but I do enjoy that we have a quiet time that both of us can relax and be together. Last night he was so cute....he was nursing before bedtime, but kept stopping every few minutes to give me a kiss.

Yesterday I was feeling some baby envy. Z is doing so great and becoming so capable, and I guess I am feeling more and more ready to have another baby. BUT, the weight needs to come off first and we need to get our finances in order which means paying off our debt, having some savings, and getting ourselves closer to being in our own home.

So my baby lust is making me even more motivated to stick with my plan. On to Tuesday!

All Talk and No Action

So my goals for the weekend didn't go exactly as planned.....

I didn't walk and only did strength once. My shoulders and abs are even sore today.

I ate ok, but also finished off the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup minatures that a friend sent. (BUT, I didn't finish them all in one sitting, and gave away half the bag to people at work, which really is an accomplishment.)

I weighed in and I'm not sure what to tell you. The scale weighed me from 238 to 244. So frustrating. The new scale is no better and it's in kilograms which still confuse me. The number that came up the most was 240.5 so that's what I'm going with. Therefore a loss of 1 lb since last week. I am so close to being under 240 I can taste it!

This week my goals are to walk everyday to pick up Z and to pay more attention to my portion sizes. I am also going to try some new strength moves that I've gotten online to spice things up a bit.

I WILL be under 240 next week!!!

2 Days 'till Weigh In

Negativity

I try hard to stay positive and not worry too much about what I look like to other people, but the last few day I've been struggling. We don't have a full-length mirror at home, so all I see most of the time is me from the shoulders up. Well, this morning I took Z to the Dr. and at the office they have this reflective stuff on the windows to cut down the sun glare inside...oh man.

I wanted to look at myself, but without anyone noticing me looking at myself of course and what I saw wasn't good. This is not what I think I look like, and that skewed image of myself isn't helping me. It makes me feel embarrassed too because on Tuesday, as I was walking to work, I was feeling good about myself. I was definetly strutting a little listening to my music thinking, "Hey, I'm looking better". I can just imagine what people were thinking seeing this huge woman with her jiggling belly and saggy breasts, and massive arms walking along.

My clothes don't help either. Everything I have is stretched out and baggy (and really comfortable) but definetly making me look bigger than I am.

And so I'm trying to fight the urge to cry and eat myself into oblivion until these images of myself disappear. It doesn't help that I got on the scale this morning and it said 246.

I've been reading some new blogs today to help motivate me to continue on and tonight I finally get to see the new episode of the Biggest Loser. The last season was the first one I saw, and I just sobbed and sobbed when I watched the first epidsode. That was when I decided I needed to start moving and being healthier.

So I hope this weekend I can hold it together and follow through with my exercise and eating. I really want to see 240 on the scale on Sunday so I feel ready to work hard to get there. While I was at the Dr.'s this morning I snuck onto his scale....it weighed me in at 242 lb. but I don't know which scale or number to trust. I always go with the higher one to be on the safe side.

My Plan

Friday: Walk to pick up Z (20 minutes)
Have stirfry w/rice for dinner
Do strength while watching the Biggest Loser

Saturday: Eat oatmeal for breakfast, island food for lunch, and fajita salad for dinner
Walk to town for shopping and Clean Up the World Day w/Z (45 minutes)

Sunday: Eat oatmeal for breakfast, salad for lunch, veggies and sweet potato for dinner
Do strength while watching Dirty Dancing in memory of Patrick Swayze

So lets hope I have good news to report on Monday. Have a good weekend.

The Good and The Bad

Lots has happened since last week, some of it good and some of it not. I guess I'll start with the not...

Last Friday when I got home from work I found out that some one had killed one of our dogs, Baby. It was so upsetting and I still can't believe someone would be so cruel to hurt an innocent animal. Animals are treated very differently here then back home. They are animals and serve a purpose, but aren't ever treated like a member of the family, as we did with our dogs. We have 3 other dogs. The dog that was killed was the mama to two of the others. She was such a sweet dog. She was happy to just be anywhere near you, and has always been the most gentle of all of them. I am so sad that she is gone and so angry that someone murdered her. We have been asking around the neighborhood, so we will hopefully find out more about who did this and report them.

The other not so good is my weight. I think I'm at 241.5, which would be .5lb down since last week, BUT my scale sucks. I'm getting a new one today. The only ones I've since here are those old fashioned ones with a dial, but I think that might be better. My scale this week, weighed me at 238, then 245, then 248, then 243. It's so frustrating. I don't know if I'm losing or not. Another thing, is that I've been a little obsessive about weighing myself. Sometimes 10 or more times a day. I know, it's ridiculous.

Last week I walked alot and so far this week I've been pretty good. Walking 2 times each on Monday and Tuesday and planning to walk and get Z this afternoon. No strength training though like I promised.

Yesterday was my birthday. I am 32 years old. Hmmm, sounds ok I guess. Anyway, we all went out to dinner, but it was kind of expensive and not that great. It was also late for Z so he was a little grumpy. Overall he did ok, but refused to sit in the highchair, so it made it hard to eat. It was nice to finally have a night together and I got to share some chocolate cheesecake with M.

I was hoping to be under 240 this week, but we'll have to see what the new scale says and start off there. I'm proud that even with the stress and sadness of losing Baby I didn't binge, and that I didn't spend my birthday feeling badly about turning a year older and not losing any weight. Instead I am going into this next year with a healthier outlook and looking forward to being at goal before my next birthday.

TGIF

I love Fridays. I love the whole 2-days off feeling. I love planning for the weekend, even if it's just making a list of chores to be done.

And after a somewhat anxious week, I am really looking forward to this weekend. I'm planning on cooking up a big pot of chicken and vegetable soup to last us until payday on Monday. We're out of (or almost out of) everything...toothpaste, hand soap, butter, eggs. Just have to be careful until then.

M is supposed to have next week off, and next Wednesday is my birthday, so I am hoping for a good week. Haven't decided how to handle the cake thing for my b-day. I am hoping we can go out to eat somewhere, and then share a dessert because having a whole cake in the house is just not safe.

I'm hoping the scale will be down on Sunday. I have walked three times this week and will walk again today. I haven't done my strength, but will tonight and Saturday. Overall I think this week went well. I was a little snacky on Monday and Tuesday, but I think that's because of TOM. Hopefully by Sunday I won't feel so bloated and the scale will read 240lb.

Relax

In light of my big blow up yesterday, I've been thinking a lot about how I've been handling things lately and I've come to a couple conclusions.

First off, I don't want to have to look back at our early years of marriage and remember how hard things were and that instead of dealing with it and making the best out of it, I just kept losing it. That is not good. And I don't want Z to remember me as a stressed out mom.

Secondly, I need to relax. Really relax. I used to be able to take things in stride and not get worked up about things, but somewhere in between a husband and baby and 400 in-laws, I have lost my cool.

And last of all, I need to make the best of things. There are a lot of things that could be better...more money, our own house, more time together as a family, less interference from M's family, hot water....but I can deal with what we have and try harder to make them work.

Of course I can deal. That's what women do right? And I can be much gentler and respectful in how I communicate with M when he's not pulling his weight.

Whew. I feel much better now. Yesterday was a rough day but I got through it and did not binge. I walked for 20 minutes to go pick up Z and we had a nice afternoon together. And today I'll be okay as well. I had oatmeal for breakfast, will have soup and salad for lunch, and do my strength training later on. I may even walk to go pick up Z again. It felt good yesterday, although my feet are hurting. I really need to wear samthing other than flip flops when I walk longer distances.

I Lost It

Again. Even though there are all sorts of reasons....I am tired, I am stressed, we have no money, M hasn't had a day off in months.....there really isn't any excuse for my behavior.

It wasn't pretty.

I just got so angry and frustrated and just stared yelling. At everyone. No one would have been safe from it this morning. And while I was losing it, I knew I was over reacting. I knew I was crossing the line. And so then I felt like crap. Like a horrible wife and a horrible mother and a horrible person. Undeserving of anything good in my life.

Luckily I have a very understanding husband and a sweet, sweet baby who both forgave me.

I wish I could stop being so angry. I know it stems from feeling that things are out of my control and that's when I panic and react with a sometimes scary anger that I can't believe is coming from me.

Growing up, my Dad was a yeller. My Mom had her moments as well. I remember getting mad when I was younger and how the only way I could feel better was to throw something against the wall and break it. Somehow that shattering of one of my little ceramic figurines would sober me up and allow me to calm down. I need a physical release.

M is rarely ever angry. He never yells or bangs his hand on the table or throws things.

Oh God, I'm so ashamed. I feel awful. I'm so embarrassed at how I blew up over nothing and I don't know how to control myself. I have been trying to work on this for a while. I try to relax and think about what I'm going to say before I say it. I try to think about how I would want someone to talk to me in the same situation. I try to pick my battles. But still I lose it.

I feel sick to my stomach. If I was at home now instead of at work I know I would be looking for food to make this feeling go away. At least I can't do that. M said he's going to come for lunch. Hopefully by then I won't have this sick feeling anymore. And then I can apologize again.

I hope the rest of the day goes better.

I actually lost!

I've decided to change my weigh-in day back to Sundays. That's what it was originally, but then I changed it to Friday, thinking that way I would have the weekend "free" and then still have 4 days to lose weight. Not such a smart idea really.

So Sunday morning I weighed-in and on my not-so-reliable scale an at 242 lbs. That's a 4 lb loss and so close to being under 240, which is my next goal. My other goals this week include following my exercise plan of walking 3 days and strength 3 days. Last week I did one day of walking and one day of strength.

My strength routine is a little silly. I don't have any DVD's or proper weights, so instead I use plastic bottles filled up with sand as weights, and do some exercises I got from some magazines a while back. I do crunches and crunch-variations, push ups (10 girl ones) and then I do my arms. Occasionally I'll do some squats, but my knee makes this really nasty sound, so I don't always do them. When I was at 185 lbs. my knees didn't hurt anymore and didn't make these sounds. I hope once I get back down to that weight, they will stop creaking.

I ate pretty well over the weekend. I did get a little desperate for something sweet, so I made some cookies out of oatmeal, cocoa, peanut butter, and brown sugar. They were ok, I put them in the fridge so they were kind of like fudge. We're broke of course, so I don't have much money to spend on food which is good. I've got $50 that needs to last me until next Monday, so we are going to be eating a lot of market vegetables this week.

Oh, and thank goodness, someone finished the Nutella so that I couldn't. I really just can't have crap food in the house. If it's there, I start thinking to myself, I should just finish it all now so that it will be gone and I won't be able to eat it anymore. I need to make sure if I buy treats, that there are only a few, and that someone is around to share with so that I can't later on binge on them.

Binge

Yesterday when I got home and went to pay the rent, I found out that last month, my husband didn't pay when I gave him the money. I was so upset. We are so behind on our bills and it's so stressful.

We walked up to the house and I was shaking.

And what was the first thing I did? Eat. I took out the leftovers from last night, and started shoveling it into my mouth. Not even tasting it. Just trying to get as much of it in as I could. And then I had bread with Nutella. I don't think I even stopped to breathe until it was almost gone.

The whole time I was eating, I knew why I was doing it.

Because I was mad!
Because how could he not pay the rent!
Because I couldn't control anything except for what I put in my mouth!

I stopped for a while, but later, once Z went to bed, and I was by myself and still upset, I ate tuna salad with crackers and then yogurt with bananas and more Nutella.

(Why did I buy that Nutella last week? So stupid. I can't handle having chocolate, in any form, in the house.)

It could have been worse. If I had had more food in the house it would have been. But that doesn't touch the root of the problem, which is binging and emotional eating. I wonder if I will ever get to the point that I can replace this behavior with something else. It sounds so easy to say, "Go for a walk", "Have a hobby", "Get out of the house". But I haven't gotten there yet

This morning I weighed myself expecting a huge gain. I was at 243 lbs thank goodness. I dropped Z off with my mother in law and then walked 15 minutes to work. I was sweating by the time I got there, so I felt good.

So now all I can do is try again today. Try to eat when I'm hungry, and move as much as possible, and realize that even if I can't control everything, I can control what I put into my body and I don't need to sabotage myself because I'm upset with other people.

Sleep

Yesterday I had a pretty good day all around. I ate well (1320 Calories), walked when I could (around the buildings at work, and in town carting around groceries and Z). M and I had lunch together. He's been coming over to do that quite a bit lately. It's really nice. Even just to have 30 minutes together, Z-free, to connect. His schedule makes him work late, so usually in the evening, it's just me and the baby.

Last night I fell asleep really early. 8 o'clock. That's happened several times in the past 2 weeks. I'm just so tired. I think getting back to walking is wearing me out. But I sleep better at night, even if Z wakes up.

A lot of nights one of us ends up sleeping on the couch in the front room. He's had a cold, so he's been waking up, wanting to nurse, and once he gets into our bed, he often doesn't want to go back to his. So it gets crowded and we all sleep better if one of us sleeps on the couch. Not the best for marital relations, but sometimes sleep is more important.