More Excuses

Yesterday I came up with a million excuses not to exercise:

-Too tired from not enough sleep the night before
-M working overnight so all other household/parenting duties on me
-Having some mini-asthma attacks and having to use my inhaler a few times
-Z not wanting to fall asleep at his normal bedtime
-Dishes to do (still didn't get done)
-Laundry to fold (also did not get done)

And I let the excuses win. I feel pathetic and lazy and disappointed in myself again. I only set one goal for myself yesterday and still couldn't get moving.

This has got to stop. I have to start exercising again. I know I feel better when I do...more energy, I sleep better, I don't have such a big appetite...but why isn't this enough to motivate me?

*Deep breath* Okay. I will do this. Tonight after Z goes to sleep, I will do the 20-minute Bootcamp workout from my Biggest Loser DVD.

I WILL DO IT.

I started keeping track of my calories again. I have been lying to myself about what I've been eating really. Thinking "No way could I have eaten more than 1500 calories today." Well yesterday, Day 14, was 2,067 calories. Not great.

So today, Day 15, my goals are to eat within my calories, exercise for 20 minutes, and think some positive thoughts. I really have to get out of this funk.

Disappointed

I'm back from my work trip and very disappointed with what the scale is telling me. I ate pretty healthy, walked more then I have in ages, and still the scale is the same. I'm hoping some of this is PMS. I was just so sad when I got on the scale coming back. I really expected a loss.

The good news is I found my workout DVDs. They had been knocked behind the entertainment center by Z, and I finally saw them while I was cleaning up yesterday. My goal today is to work out when I get home from work. I'm sure it will kick my butt since I haven't done them in almost a month now.

Yesterday is the past...

How is it that that saying goes?

"Yesterday is the past, the future is a mystery, today is a gift that's why they call it the present." I've been trying to live in the present and it's going okay. Days 3-5 were a little iffy. Not much exercise except for swimming in the ocean on Valentine's Day. Cookies were involved each of the days and my body was feeling like a wreck. Stomach cramps, headaches, and the backyard blues if you know what I'm saying.

Day 6 was a bit better. I left yesterday to fly to another island and I'm doing okay.

Breakfast:
2 pieces bread w/ peanut butter
Coffee

Lunch:
Bread
1/2 Avocado
1 Mandarin
1 Sprite

Snack:
1 small bag chips
chocolate bar

Dinner:
3 scrambled eggs w/sausage and onions
1 avocado
8 cherry tomatoes
Tortilla chips
1 chocolate bar

Exercise: 2 15-minute walks

Mood: Tired from the very long day. A little lonely missing M and Z. Happy about the work I accomplised and the conversations I had w/co-workers.

My goals for today are:

1. Lots of walking (it's easy to do here because I'm staying and town and everything is just close enough that you feel silly taking a taxi)

2. No junk food (chocolate and chips!)

3. Eat 5 fruits and veggies

That should be pretty easy to focus on so I don't feel overwhelmed. I am tired of having an upset stomach so I really need to stop eating so much junk.

Day 2

So Day 2 should of course be a perfect example of me being re-committed, re-energized, re-everything-that-I-haven't-been-doing-and-now-am-going-to-be-doing, right?

Not so much. I did all right for a while and then ended up not so great.

Breakfast:
1 piece of banana bread
coffee w/milk and sugar

Lunch:
1 cup vegetable beef soup
1 cup carrot/cucumbers
1 cup papaya/lime juice

Snack:
2 oz cheese
1/2 tortilla
1/4 avocado

Dinner:
2 low-cal tortillas
3/4 cup bean/ground beef
salsa
3/4 avocado
2 oz cheese

Later Snack:
3 fish sticks
10 tator tots
2 pudding cups
3 pieces of chocolate cake

Exercise: none.

Mood: Started out ok, then on the way to take a bath Z slipped and banged his head on the doorframe leaving a huge bump. We were both pretty traumatized. M wasn't there to help (as usual) and by the time I got him settled down and in bed, I decided I needed to eat again. Wow. Looking at what I ate now is just so upsetting. I know why I binged, but why couldn't I stop it?

Next week I'll be traveling to 2 outer islands for work. I always seem to do pretty good while I'm away actually. I guess because my stress level is usually much less. I won't be taking Z and I'm kind of hoping that the week away will help with weaning him. I'm wondering if when I stop breast feeding it will be easier to lose weight. The last time I was away I lost 8 lbs and maybe not breast feeding had something to do with it. I'm not planning on expressing milk while I'm away like I did last time, so we'll see what happens.

Something Different

One thing about being a planner is that I am always looking at tomorrow rather then being able to focus on the here and now. So I am going to try something different. I'm going to try and take it one day at a time. That sounds silly when I write it, but maybe it will help me to focus on the choices I make each day rather then always saying "It doesn't matter, I'll make up for it tomorrow." I don't know if I'll be able to post eveyday, but I'm going to try my best. I know I avoid posting when I haven't done well, and as I've said before, that pretty much defeats the whole purpose of the "blogging to keep myself accountable".

So....Day 1

Weight: 244.5 lbs. (ahhhh!!!!) Ok...as my sister says "1,2,3 I'm over it".

Breakfast:
2 pieces toast w/butter
coffee w/milk and sugar

Lunch:
1 cup chicken and vegetable soup
2 pieces banana laplap
1 cup fruit salad w/avocado and papaya

Snack:
Peanuts
2 cookies

Dinner:
3 Boiled Chicken wings
3/4 cup Rice
1 slice cheese
4 1/2 pieces of chocolate cake

Mood: Hungry. If there had been anything else to eat I would have eaten it. Upset. M was really late and didn't call (this happens a lot and bothers me so much...his work is really demanding, but he needs to be better at calling and I need to realize I can't control it so it won't effect my mood as much as it does). Tired. I have been falling asleep with Z the past 2 weeks on most nights which is around 8 pm. I am sure that my diet and complete lack of exercise is the reason why.

Exercise: zip.zero.nada.

Weigh-In

So my official weigh in for Monday morning is 241.5lbs. That's up 3.5 since my last weigh in in November. It is what it is. I have been up and down the last 2 months, as high as 250 and as low as 236. But the important thing is that I'm still here and still trying.

I have exercised more consistently in the past month then I have in a long time, but my stress level this past month has been a lot higher. M and I have been fighting a lot...about big things and little things, but none of the fighting has left me feeling very good. So I've gained weight.

Here is what I would like to accomplish this week: (as I've mentioned, lists make me feel better)

1. Eat 5 fruits and veggies everyday
2. Exercise everyday (using my Biggest Loser DVD's at home)
3. Lower my stress level (i.e. make more of an effort to communicate better with M, even when he is being a big, grumpy jerk)

The last one is going to take a lot of effort :)