!!!!!

I'm feeling so motivated right now!

I have just been reading other people's blogs (while I should have been working, but oh well) and I'm just feeling pumped and excited.

I want to have another baby! And that is such motivation for me to keep eating healthier and exercising. I just need to keep remembering that this is for a reason. I was so much more confident and happy when I was 180 lbs, and I know being that much more confident and happy will make me a better mom.

(But that doesn't mean I can't be a great mom now to Z. He loves to be outside. It is his favorite thing ever, and I need to be more active with him and play more with him instead of watching him from the couch. That is not the kind of mama I want to be!)

I want to be a healthy, happy mom. And if I ever have a little girl, I don't want her to grow up seeing her mother on diet after diet, depressed and self-conscious! I don't want her to have to "learn" to eat healthy, I want it to be second nature to her because that's just the way it's always been. I want my kids to grow up feeling good about their healthy, strong, capable bodies, and eating to live, not living to eat!

I know I'm sounding very dramatic and kind of cheesy, but this is what I want for my life and my family's life, so I have to keep reminding myself.

With as many exclamation points as needed!

Edit

I think I'm going have to edit my workout plan for this week. After doing my Level 2, 30 minute DVD on Monday, I thought, "that wasn't really enough" so I started in on the third level. I did about 10 minutes until the DVD started skipping and so I had to stop. And then on Tuesday morning I could barely move! I was so sore all day that when I got home late, I did not do the DVD again. I will try it tonight, with some extra stretching beforehand.

Obviously, when you haven't been working out at all, you should take it easy and not get over-ambitious or you won't be able to move.

I guess it's good to know the DVD works! If soreness is any factor....

I Did It!

I am really pretty surprised that I actually made it through the weekend without any major binges or anything. I ate lots of fruit and veggies, drank water and this morning I was back to 245. Doesn't sound like much, but since in truth last week I was 251 on most mornings, I am happy. I am on my way back down to 239.

I did do a stupid thing on Saturday while cleaning. I went to throw some clothes in the hamper and managed to stub my toe really badly on the bed. It still hurts! I am trying not to favor it, but it's hard to walk. I think I won't be walking to get Z this week, but will try to do my exercise DVD at home instead. My goal this week is to do it 5 days in a row. I will start with the lower intensity for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and then try the higher intensity Thursday and Friday. Then, if I'm still able to move I'll do the higher intensity on Saturday and rest on Sunday.

I was hoping I would have the night off from cooking tonight so I could exercise during that time, but it sounds like that's not going to happen since M is going to rugby practice. I have to say, it's kind of frustrating that he also has time to do whatever exercise he wants to do, but I don't. For him it's just a given that he gets to go to practice 3 days a week, and yet if I want to have just 30 minutes to myself so I can exercise....no allocations for me.

He hasn't heard the end of this one yet, that's for sure. He said today that I should make a schedule and he will cook on certain nights so I can have free time. I'm happy to do it, but I just feel like he won't follow through and will always have an excuse as to why he can't cook. I will give him the benefit of the doubt and try it, like the good wife that I am ;)

Trying

Monday was not so good.

Tuesday was definetly better.

Today has gone well so far and I am trying to keep it that way. I had lunch an hour ago and I'm still full. My plan for the next few hours until I go home is to drink another liter of water and have an apple. I made vegetable beef soup last night so all I have to do is re-heat it tonight and dinner is ready. That way I can eat soon after I get home instead of snacking.

I still haven't exercised this week, so my ultimate goal for today is to walk to get Z this afternoon. This is huge. I haven't been exercising in weeks and I know if I do this tonight I will be much closer to being on track again. I just have to take that first little step, literally.

I also had a big therapy session with my journal yesterday, which has helped my emotional staus fro the moment. I know that journaling helps me when I'm really upset, and I just need to remember to use it as an outlet. Blogging is helping as well, but I still need a place to share all my deep-dark-secrets ;)

The Scariest Number

250.

I saw it several times on the scale throughout this weekend and I am scared. This morning I was 247 which means up another 2 lbs since my last weigh in 2 weeks ago. But the thought of being back up to 250 is just making me sick. How could I have lost all control? I just kept eating cookies. And buying junk food.

And eating a pan of brownies BY MYSELF over 24 hours. Ick. Gross. I feel disgusting, bloated, exhausted, and so disappointed in myself. How do I get back on track? How do I start all over again. Again. I'm so tired of having to start again. I'm so tired of losing control.

I know what happened. I got upset. It starts with just a little feeling of hurt, of loneliness, and then thinking of how comfortating it would be to make the cookies, or brownies. And then well, I already ate the brownies, so I might as well have this extra burrito, or leftover steak, or slice of cheese. And then the food that was supposed to make me feel better starts making me feel sick, and tired, and so the walk I promised myself I would do gets left for another day. And then I don't even want to look at myself, or the scale, or walk out of the door.

So now I have to find the willpower to start again. To get the junk out of my diet and stop binging. I have to start counting calories and marking off the days that I exercise. I feel like I've been sent back to remedial fat-class.

At least I managed to blog again. It's kind of like the first step back. I was feeling way embarrassed to write how bad I've been doing.

So back to the plan. I'm going to start keeping track of my calories, walk everyday or do my new exercise DVD. I am going to drink my 2 litres of water everyday, eat lots of veggies and make sure to have a snack in the afternoon so I'm not starving and ready to binge when I get home. I am preparing myself for a difficult week. I know I will be hungry and it will take a lot of motivation to exercise when I get home in the afternoon. But I have to remember why I am doing this. I want Z to have a healthy mom. And I want to have another baby. And I want to get my mojo back:)