Happy New Year!

I remember maybe 8 years ago when I felt that I had done nothing important with my life. It was around that time I decided to become an overseas volunteer and try to do something more for other people. In a way I was escaping. Running away from the problems I was having with everyday life, nothing too bad, but I wasn't very happy.

And things started to change when I got here. There were so many more serious problems to worry about. I didn't stress about eating and exercising because I just had to do it. I started to eat to fuel my body rather than to try and fill up the void. I exercised because I had to get places, and walking was the only way to go. In a way it was extreme, but sometimes I wish I could just get back to the mentality...that I could stop stressing about superficial things and just live.

Sorry, I'm rambling...I guess every new year brings on reflections about the past....

Our holidays have been mellow. I exercised for 2 weeks straight, but then got off track the week of Christmas. My mom sent me some new workout videos that I have been trying to do. My eating has been off and on. I'm eating more fruits and veggies, but I really need to work on my portions.

We're off from work until mid January and since I don't have internet at home, I probably won't post much until then. Hopefully when I come back, I will have good news to report.

Hope you all have a safe and happy New Year's. And I hope those of you who are on this same journey to reclaim your life from food, feel good about the changes you've made so far.

Step Away From the Cheese....

This week has been crazy busy. It's report writing time which is a big part of my job and I have been consumed by work. This of course has lead me very astray in my eating. I have been missing lunch and therefore buying unhealthy snacks to get me to the evening; I've been going after the easiest things to make rather then taking extra time to prepare a healthier meal; and I've been staying up late at night which opens up all these extra hours for snacking.

Not good.

And the cheese. I have eaten so much cheese this week! Cheese and crackers, grilled cheese sandwiches, cheesy burritos. Oh la la. I have got to stop this. And there's no excuse too! It's summer here now so there's lots of local market foods available.... pineapples, mangos, papaya, sweet potato, cabbage, green peppers. All sorts of good stuff that I should be eating.

I do so much better when I plan my meals out and go shopping accordingly, and that's just something I haven't made time for the past few weeks. I haven't had an "official" weigh in for a while too. I am weighing in on Monday morning, so I've got 4 days to get back on track so I don't have to embarrass myself on Monday with a big gain!

See you on Monday...hopefully at 238 or less!

Feeling Invisible

There have been lots of times in my life that I've felt invisible. Lately the feeling keeps coming back and I find myself actually trying to make myself disappear.

We had a lunch party for my son's playgroup last week and I was feeling so intimidated. I only know one of the moms really, and was nervous to meet the others. I also knew I would be the biggest one there. All of the other moms are thin and fit and I felt so embarrassed that Z had to be the one with the fat mama. Not that he cares, but what if one day he does? Not that anyone would say anything to me about it, but what I was saying to myself was enough.

We also had a Thanksgiving dinner over the weekend with 3 other families. It was really great. I made most of the food, but we had it at a friend's house since our house is so tiny. However, during one of the conversations I had with one of the women about breastfeeding and babies and all that, she thought I was pregnant. I'm pretty sure she thought that because of the question I had asked her and not that my belly looked particularly huge that night, but now I can't stop thinking about it. I guess I do look a little pregnant with my big stomach. How embarrassing. Perfect time to disappear.

It was so nice when I didn't feel that I was invisible. It was so nice to feel that I was part of the group and that people respected me. I guess maybe that's it...I feel people can't respect me as much when they see that my weight is so out of control. And I know it sounds stupid, but I want my husband to be proud of me. He said he was really proud of me the other night for Thanksgiving with all of the great food, and he tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful all the time.

But it's just so hard to believe.

I wish I looked better is all. I wish I felt more comfortable in my own skin. I wish I didn't get so stressed out about what to wear because I am afraid of how big I look. I wish I could enjoy looking into the mirror and that I wasn't so afraid to go clothes shopping for fear of nothing fitting.

Etc.

I am doing OK, not great, food wise. I need to go back to counting calories to get back on track and stop buying so many treats. I need to get my exercise going again. It's the beginning of summer here now so it's getting hot, hot, hot which makes it a little hard to exercise during the day. I have decided to join the local gym for the next 2 months. When I was out-of-town last month I had the chance to use the gym at the hotel and it felt really good to use the weights and machines. We have a month off starting in 2 weeks so I'm really looking forward to having lots of time to devote to exercise and get into a good routine before going back to work in January.

I'm very much in a vacation mind set right now. I keep thinking about everything I want to do and making lists and avoiding all the things I should be doing at work right now. Not good. I just have to get through15 more days and then I'm free for an entire month. Yippee!!!

I haven't given up. I'm still working towards my goal. I'm still trying.

No, no, no!

It's starting already! The stress! One fight (over money) and one "discussion" (over time) and this morning I'm up 5 lbs. I didn't binge or anything, but I honestly wonder if the stress just makes my body rebel. This morning I felt tired and bloated and grumpy.

I hate it!

I hate feeling discouraged. It is so hard to pysche myself up constantly. I just want it to be easy. I want it to be easy to be happy and to find time to exercise and to eat well. Ug!

Okay, okay. One day at a time. Today I will have soup and salad for lunch. An apple for a snack. Stir-fry for dinner. I will walk to go get Z this afternoon and do my exercise DVD at home. I have a list of things to get done at work that I want to finish, and once I'm home tonight and Z has gone to bed, I need to finish unpacking and clean up the spare room.

I'm not going to think about what the scale says, and I really am going to have M hide it from me today.

Hello Again!

I know I haven't posted in quite some time, but surprise, surprise...it's not because I was doing bad...I've been doing good!

You're surprised aren't you?

Things have been so busy, but I've been keeping on track. I had to go overseas to a meeting, and really thought that I would gain weight.

But I didn't! I lost! I broke the 240 plateau! I weighed in yesterday morning at 238 lbs!!!

Yes, yes, yes! Finally!!!

So what made the difference? I've been thinking about that and here's what I've concluded.

1. I exercised. Everyday while I was away. Some days even twice! I took advantage of the gym at the hotel and walked as much as I could.

2. I had time. It was very hard being away from Z. This was the first time I left him overnight. But, I had so much free time every evening. It made me realize that I need to make time for myself to exercise everyday.

3. I wasn't stressed out. Being so far away, I had to let go of all of the things that I try and control on a day-to-day basis. This will be the hardest thing for me to try and work on.

4. I ate well. I had treats. I had dessert. But I balanced it all with the exercise.

5. I didn't have a scale and so I couldn't weigh myself everyday. I am telling M to hide the scale tonight and won't weigh again until Sunday.

I'm feeling very motivated since I have finally gotten below 240. I am going to try to keep up my exercise and make sure I am not stressing out about things I can't or don't need to control.

Wish me luck!

!!!!!

I'm feeling so motivated right now!

I have just been reading other people's blogs (while I should have been working, but oh well) and I'm just feeling pumped and excited.

I want to have another baby! And that is such motivation for me to keep eating healthier and exercising. I just need to keep remembering that this is for a reason. I was so much more confident and happy when I was 180 lbs, and I know being that much more confident and happy will make me a better mom.

(But that doesn't mean I can't be a great mom now to Z. He loves to be outside. It is his favorite thing ever, and I need to be more active with him and play more with him instead of watching him from the couch. That is not the kind of mama I want to be!)

I want to be a healthy, happy mom. And if I ever have a little girl, I don't want her to grow up seeing her mother on diet after diet, depressed and self-conscious! I don't want her to have to "learn" to eat healthy, I want it to be second nature to her because that's just the way it's always been. I want my kids to grow up feeling good about their healthy, strong, capable bodies, and eating to live, not living to eat!

I know I'm sounding very dramatic and kind of cheesy, but this is what I want for my life and my family's life, so I have to keep reminding myself.

With as many exclamation points as needed!

Edit

I think I'm going have to edit my workout plan for this week. After doing my Level 2, 30 minute DVD on Monday, I thought, "that wasn't really enough" so I started in on the third level. I did about 10 minutes until the DVD started skipping and so I had to stop. And then on Tuesday morning I could barely move! I was so sore all day that when I got home late, I did not do the DVD again. I will try it tonight, with some extra stretching beforehand.

Obviously, when you haven't been working out at all, you should take it easy and not get over-ambitious or you won't be able to move.

I guess it's good to know the DVD works! If soreness is any factor....

I Did It!

I am really pretty surprised that I actually made it through the weekend without any major binges or anything. I ate lots of fruit and veggies, drank water and this morning I was back to 245. Doesn't sound like much, but since in truth last week I was 251 on most mornings, I am happy. I am on my way back down to 239.

I did do a stupid thing on Saturday while cleaning. I went to throw some clothes in the hamper and managed to stub my toe really badly on the bed. It still hurts! I am trying not to favor it, but it's hard to walk. I think I won't be walking to get Z this week, but will try to do my exercise DVD at home instead. My goal this week is to do it 5 days in a row. I will start with the lower intensity for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and then try the higher intensity Thursday and Friday. Then, if I'm still able to move I'll do the higher intensity on Saturday and rest on Sunday.

I was hoping I would have the night off from cooking tonight so I could exercise during that time, but it sounds like that's not going to happen since M is going to rugby practice. I have to say, it's kind of frustrating that he also has time to do whatever exercise he wants to do, but I don't. For him it's just a given that he gets to go to practice 3 days a week, and yet if I want to have just 30 minutes to myself so I can exercise....no allocations for me.

He hasn't heard the end of this one yet, that's for sure. He said today that I should make a schedule and he will cook on certain nights so I can have free time. I'm happy to do it, but I just feel like he won't follow through and will always have an excuse as to why he can't cook. I will give him the benefit of the doubt and try it, like the good wife that I am ;)

Trying

Monday was not so good.

Tuesday was definetly better.

Today has gone well so far and I am trying to keep it that way. I had lunch an hour ago and I'm still full. My plan for the next few hours until I go home is to drink another liter of water and have an apple. I made vegetable beef soup last night so all I have to do is re-heat it tonight and dinner is ready. That way I can eat soon after I get home instead of snacking.

I still haven't exercised this week, so my ultimate goal for today is to walk to get Z this afternoon. This is huge. I haven't been exercising in weeks and I know if I do this tonight I will be much closer to being on track again. I just have to take that first little step, literally.

I also had a big therapy session with my journal yesterday, which has helped my emotional staus fro the moment. I know that journaling helps me when I'm really upset, and I just need to remember to use it as an outlet. Blogging is helping as well, but I still need a place to share all my deep-dark-secrets ;)

The Scariest Number

250.

I saw it several times on the scale throughout this weekend and I am scared. This morning I was 247 which means up another 2 lbs since my last weigh in 2 weeks ago. But the thought of being back up to 250 is just making me sick. How could I have lost all control? I just kept eating cookies. And buying junk food.

And eating a pan of brownies BY MYSELF over 24 hours. Ick. Gross. I feel disgusting, bloated, exhausted, and so disappointed in myself. How do I get back on track? How do I start all over again. Again. I'm so tired of having to start again. I'm so tired of losing control.

I know what happened. I got upset. It starts with just a little feeling of hurt, of loneliness, and then thinking of how comfortating it would be to make the cookies, or brownies. And then well, I already ate the brownies, so I might as well have this extra burrito, or leftover steak, or slice of cheese. And then the food that was supposed to make me feel better starts making me feel sick, and tired, and so the walk I promised myself I would do gets left for another day. And then I don't even want to look at myself, or the scale, or walk out of the door.

So now I have to find the willpower to start again. To get the junk out of my diet and stop binging. I have to start counting calories and marking off the days that I exercise. I feel like I've been sent back to remedial fat-class.

At least I managed to blog again. It's kind of like the first step back. I was feeling way embarrassed to write how bad I've been doing.

So back to the plan. I'm going to start keeping track of my calories, walk everyday or do my new exercise DVD. I am going to drink my 2 litres of water everyday, eat lots of veggies and make sure to have a snack in the afternoon so I'm not starving and ready to binge when I get home. I am preparing myself for a difficult week. I know I will be hungry and it will take a lot of motivation to exercise when I get home in the afternoon. But I have to remember why I am doing this. I want Z to have a healthy mom. And I want to have another baby. And I want to get my mojo back:)

Still Here

I was seriously thinking about not posting anything today because I'm embarrassed that I gained weight. Of course that wouldn't really help with the accountability thing, so here I am.

I gained 4.5 lbs, putting me at 245lbs.

Breathe in, breathe out....ok.
Whatever.
I gained.
So this week I've got to work harder.

I must walk everyday! That is the key to me losing weight. And I need to plan our dinners this week so I'm not rushing around, starving, trying to think about what to cook, and snacking on things until I come up with something. I also think I'm going to just eat dinner earlier. I'm hungry when I get home, so I'll just start cooking straight away, and eat at 5:30 or 6 with Z. Then I can have a small snack if I want it later, instead of going crazy when I first get home from work.

So that's the plan. I'll let you know tomorrow how I did.

Pictures

I've finally managed to post some pictures of myself. They were taken earlier this month, so I'm guessing around 244 lbs. I didn't do very well yesterday. I didn't eat enough at lunch and so was starving once I got home leading to two tortills with cheese and some yogurt before dinner. Probably not as bad as I think it is, but today I feel blah. I don't even want to say what the scale said this morning. I am in denial.

There is another photo that M took last week when we went out to dinner for my birthday which is just awful. I can't believe how huge I look in it. Yuck. The worst part is my arms. I hate how big they are. Sorry, I'm not posting it!

I am trying not to get too down on myself and remember that I am capable of making these changes but I have to admit, I'm feeling discouraged. I have a feeling I will have gained weight this week come weigh-in on Sunday, and a part of me is thinking, "Well then, just screw it till Sunday and start again after that."

That of course wouldn't really help the situation.

So... this afternoon I am eating a snack before I go home so I don't overeat again, and am planning a healthy soup for dinner. I was hoping I would have the next episode of the Biggest Loser to watch to motivate me this weekend, but no luck. I'll have to wait till Monday. I'll just watch some old episodes and work out during them.

I guess that's about all for now. Here's a pick of M and Z. I know you can't really see their faces...sorry! I guess I feel weird posting pictures of my family since I'm trying to be annoymous.

Have a good weekend!

Not Quite Sinking...

Yesterday was close though. Tuesday I did well: walked to pick up Z and ate 1300 calories. Yesterday, Z's Uncle brought him to work, so I didn't walk and for dinner I made burritos. I love burritos. I love Mexican food. LOVE IT. And so even though I had already eaten, when M came home at 10 pm I was kinda hungry.

I should have gone to bed.

But instead, I had another small burrito with him. Putting me at 2000 calories for the day.

The scale this morning said 245. Yikes. Yes weight fluctuates from day to day, but I do not want to see 245 again. So today, Friday and Saturday I am going to need to step it up a notch if I want to keep losing.

I read an email from the Jillian Michael's Website thing, and it said that only after 30 minutes of exercise does your body start dipping into the extra fat stores and burning the fat. I normally only exercise for 30 minutes, so I am trying to figure out how I can fit in an extra 15 minutes to burn away my fat. I could try to walk Z all the way to my mother-in-laws house in the morning, but that would mean leaving the house by 7 am. Leaving by 7:45 is already difficult sometimes, so it would take some planning. The other thing is that I don't have good walking shoes. I always wear flip flops, which often leave my feet pretty sore after a 30 minute walk. I have done some running/walking at home just in the living room. I feel kind of ridiculous doing it, and again it leaves my feet sore from running barefoot on the cement floor. I don't have any workout tapes, but I've put that on my Christmas wish list (can't find them here). I know their are websites you can download workouts from, but for some reason they won't download here.

Payday is next week so if we've got a bit left over, I will buy myself some new tennis shoes. I found some great Chacos online (flip flop style but with foot support and tread) that I would love but they're expensive. Oh, the other thing about the shoes, is that I feel like such a dork wearing tennis shoes with a skirt. I only have one pair of pants, but they are getting too big now, so I wear skirts everyday (most women here do...it's considered culturally appropriate). I know, I'm being silly and vain. Who really cares about my footwear and fashion sense here?

I'm not trying to make excuses! I will figure out a way to exercise for longer periods and suffer through sore feet and blisters until I can buy some shoes.

Things I Wish For:

We have the basics here but there are some things that I really wish were available or cheaper...

whole wheat bread
whole wheat flour tortillas
corn tortillas
whole wheat flour
whole wheat pasta
brown rice
cheaper American fruit (Currently- apples, $1.50 for 1; Peaches, $7.50 lb; grapes- $8lb)
chicken breasts ($12 lb)
turkey
Cheerios
granola bars
yogurt (the good stuff $2.70 per container)

Don't get me wrong. I love all the local food and fruit, but sometimes you just want something from home and it's hard to make healthier versions of things when a lot of the healthier products aren't available or are really expensive. I do try and adjust things and make recipes with local ingredients, but what I wouldn't do for some of the conveniences of home:)

Monday: check

Yesterday I followed through! I walked to get Z and ate within my calories (1400). To explain my calorie intake...I went online and a website said I should eat 1240 calories to lose 2lbs. a week. That's fine... but then if I add on some calories for breastfeeding and when I exercise , I figure if I'm between 1400-1600 calories a day, I'm doing pretty well. Any less and I'm starving, which leads me to binge.

Z is 16 months old now, and during the week when I'm at work he drinks whole milk, but as soon as I pick him up in the afternoon, he's ready to nurse, and usualy nurses another 3-5 times before he goes to bed. He also nurses twice, sometimes 3 times in the morning before we go to work. On the weekends, he wants to nurse all the time! I can occasionally distract him with a sippy cup or a snack, but he still nurses at least 8-10 times. (Each feeding is one side). I don't want to stop him. I figure if he needs it then that's fine. I'm hoping before we have another baby, he will wean himself. It's sometimes a little exhausting, feeling as though my body isn't really my own, but I do enjoy that we have a quiet time that both of us can relax and be together. Last night he was so cute....he was nursing before bedtime, but kept stopping every few minutes to give me a kiss.

Yesterday I was feeling some baby envy. Z is doing so great and becoming so capable, and I guess I am feeling more and more ready to have another baby. BUT, the weight needs to come off first and we need to get our finances in order which means paying off our debt, having some savings, and getting ourselves closer to being in our own home.

So my baby lust is making me even more motivated to stick with my plan. On to Tuesday!

All Talk and No Action

So my goals for the weekend didn't go exactly as planned.....

I didn't walk and only did strength once. My shoulders and abs are even sore today.

I ate ok, but also finished off the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup minatures that a friend sent. (BUT, I didn't finish them all in one sitting, and gave away half the bag to people at work, which really is an accomplishment.)

I weighed in and I'm not sure what to tell you. The scale weighed me from 238 to 244. So frustrating. The new scale is no better and it's in kilograms which still confuse me. The number that came up the most was 240.5 so that's what I'm going with. Therefore a loss of 1 lb since last week. I am so close to being under 240 I can taste it!

This week my goals are to walk everyday to pick up Z and to pay more attention to my portion sizes. I am also going to try some new strength moves that I've gotten online to spice things up a bit.

I WILL be under 240 next week!!!

2 Days 'till Weigh In

Negativity

I try hard to stay positive and not worry too much about what I look like to other people, but the last few day I've been struggling. We don't have a full-length mirror at home, so all I see most of the time is me from the shoulders up. Well, this morning I took Z to the Dr. and at the office they have this reflective stuff on the windows to cut down the sun glare inside...oh man.

I wanted to look at myself, but without anyone noticing me looking at myself of course and what I saw wasn't good. This is not what I think I look like, and that skewed image of myself isn't helping me. It makes me feel embarrassed too because on Tuesday, as I was walking to work, I was feeling good about myself. I was definetly strutting a little listening to my music thinking, "Hey, I'm looking better". I can just imagine what people were thinking seeing this huge woman with her jiggling belly and saggy breasts, and massive arms walking along.

My clothes don't help either. Everything I have is stretched out and baggy (and really comfortable) but definetly making me look bigger than I am.

And so I'm trying to fight the urge to cry and eat myself into oblivion until these images of myself disappear. It doesn't help that I got on the scale this morning and it said 246.

I've been reading some new blogs today to help motivate me to continue on and tonight I finally get to see the new episode of the Biggest Loser. The last season was the first one I saw, and I just sobbed and sobbed when I watched the first epidsode. That was when I decided I needed to start moving and being healthier.

So I hope this weekend I can hold it together and follow through with my exercise and eating. I really want to see 240 on the scale on Sunday so I feel ready to work hard to get there. While I was at the Dr.'s this morning I snuck onto his scale....it weighed me in at 242 lb. but I don't know which scale or number to trust. I always go with the higher one to be on the safe side.

My Plan

Friday: Walk to pick up Z (20 minutes)
Have stirfry w/rice for dinner
Do strength while watching the Biggest Loser

Saturday: Eat oatmeal for breakfast, island food for lunch, and fajita salad for dinner
Walk to town for shopping and Clean Up the World Day w/Z (45 minutes)

Sunday: Eat oatmeal for breakfast, salad for lunch, veggies and sweet potato for dinner
Do strength while watching Dirty Dancing in memory of Patrick Swayze

So lets hope I have good news to report on Monday. Have a good weekend.

The Good and The Bad

Lots has happened since last week, some of it good and some of it not. I guess I'll start with the not...

Last Friday when I got home from work I found out that some one had killed one of our dogs, Baby. It was so upsetting and I still can't believe someone would be so cruel to hurt an innocent animal. Animals are treated very differently here then back home. They are animals and serve a purpose, but aren't ever treated like a member of the family, as we did with our dogs. We have 3 other dogs. The dog that was killed was the mama to two of the others. She was such a sweet dog. She was happy to just be anywhere near you, and has always been the most gentle of all of them. I am so sad that she is gone and so angry that someone murdered her. We have been asking around the neighborhood, so we will hopefully find out more about who did this and report them.

The other not so good is my weight. I think I'm at 241.5, which would be .5lb down since last week, BUT my scale sucks. I'm getting a new one today. The only ones I've since here are those old fashioned ones with a dial, but I think that might be better. My scale this week, weighed me at 238, then 245, then 248, then 243. It's so frustrating. I don't know if I'm losing or not. Another thing, is that I've been a little obsessive about weighing myself. Sometimes 10 or more times a day. I know, it's ridiculous.

Last week I walked alot and so far this week I've been pretty good. Walking 2 times each on Monday and Tuesday and planning to walk and get Z this afternoon. No strength training though like I promised.

Yesterday was my birthday. I am 32 years old. Hmmm, sounds ok I guess. Anyway, we all went out to dinner, but it was kind of expensive and not that great. It was also late for Z so he was a little grumpy. Overall he did ok, but refused to sit in the highchair, so it made it hard to eat. It was nice to finally have a night together and I got to share some chocolate cheesecake with M.

I was hoping to be under 240 this week, but we'll have to see what the new scale says and start off there. I'm proud that even with the stress and sadness of losing Baby I didn't binge, and that I didn't spend my birthday feeling badly about turning a year older and not losing any weight. Instead I am going into this next year with a healthier outlook and looking forward to being at goal before my next birthday.

TGIF

I love Fridays. I love the whole 2-days off feeling. I love planning for the weekend, even if it's just making a list of chores to be done.

And after a somewhat anxious week, I am really looking forward to this weekend. I'm planning on cooking up a big pot of chicken and vegetable soup to last us until payday on Monday. We're out of (or almost out of) everything...toothpaste, hand soap, butter, eggs. Just have to be careful until then.

M is supposed to have next week off, and next Wednesday is my birthday, so I am hoping for a good week. Haven't decided how to handle the cake thing for my b-day. I am hoping we can go out to eat somewhere, and then share a dessert because having a whole cake in the house is just not safe.

I'm hoping the scale will be down on Sunday. I have walked three times this week and will walk again today. I haven't done my strength, but will tonight and Saturday. Overall I think this week went well. I was a little snacky on Monday and Tuesday, but I think that's because of TOM. Hopefully by Sunday I won't feel so bloated and the scale will read 240lb.

Relax

In light of my big blow up yesterday, I've been thinking a lot about how I've been handling things lately and I've come to a couple conclusions.

First off, I don't want to have to look back at our early years of marriage and remember how hard things were and that instead of dealing with it and making the best out of it, I just kept losing it. That is not good. And I don't want Z to remember me as a stressed out mom.

Secondly, I need to relax. Really relax. I used to be able to take things in stride and not get worked up about things, but somewhere in between a husband and baby and 400 in-laws, I have lost my cool.

And last of all, I need to make the best of things. There are a lot of things that could be better...more money, our own house, more time together as a family, less interference from M's family, hot water....but I can deal with what we have and try harder to make them work.

Of course I can deal. That's what women do right? And I can be much gentler and respectful in how I communicate with M when he's not pulling his weight.

Whew. I feel much better now. Yesterday was a rough day but I got through it and did not binge. I walked for 20 minutes to go pick up Z and we had a nice afternoon together. And today I'll be okay as well. I had oatmeal for breakfast, will have soup and salad for lunch, and do my strength training later on. I may even walk to go pick up Z again. It felt good yesterday, although my feet are hurting. I really need to wear samthing other than flip flops when I walk longer distances.

I Lost It

Again. Even though there are all sorts of reasons....I am tired, I am stressed, we have no money, M hasn't had a day off in months.....there really isn't any excuse for my behavior.

It wasn't pretty.

I just got so angry and frustrated and just stared yelling. At everyone. No one would have been safe from it this morning. And while I was losing it, I knew I was over reacting. I knew I was crossing the line. And so then I felt like crap. Like a horrible wife and a horrible mother and a horrible person. Undeserving of anything good in my life.

Luckily I have a very understanding husband and a sweet, sweet baby who both forgave me.

I wish I could stop being so angry. I know it stems from feeling that things are out of my control and that's when I panic and react with a sometimes scary anger that I can't believe is coming from me.

Growing up, my Dad was a yeller. My Mom had her moments as well. I remember getting mad when I was younger and how the only way I could feel better was to throw something against the wall and break it. Somehow that shattering of one of my little ceramic figurines would sober me up and allow me to calm down. I need a physical release.

M is rarely ever angry. He never yells or bangs his hand on the table or throws things.

Oh God, I'm so ashamed. I feel awful. I'm so embarrassed at how I blew up over nothing and I don't know how to control myself. I have been trying to work on this for a while. I try to relax and think about what I'm going to say before I say it. I try to think about how I would want someone to talk to me in the same situation. I try to pick my battles. But still I lose it.

I feel sick to my stomach. If I was at home now instead of at work I know I would be looking for food to make this feeling go away. At least I can't do that. M said he's going to come for lunch. Hopefully by then I won't have this sick feeling anymore. And then I can apologize again.

I hope the rest of the day goes better.

I actually lost!

I've decided to change my weigh-in day back to Sundays. That's what it was originally, but then I changed it to Friday, thinking that way I would have the weekend "free" and then still have 4 days to lose weight. Not such a smart idea really.

So Sunday morning I weighed-in and on my not-so-reliable scale an at 242 lbs. That's a 4 lb loss and so close to being under 240, which is my next goal. My other goals this week include following my exercise plan of walking 3 days and strength 3 days. Last week I did one day of walking and one day of strength.

My strength routine is a little silly. I don't have any DVD's or proper weights, so instead I use plastic bottles filled up with sand as weights, and do some exercises I got from some magazines a while back. I do crunches and crunch-variations, push ups (10 girl ones) and then I do my arms. Occasionally I'll do some squats, but my knee makes this really nasty sound, so I don't always do them. When I was at 185 lbs. my knees didn't hurt anymore and didn't make these sounds. I hope once I get back down to that weight, they will stop creaking.

I ate pretty well over the weekend. I did get a little desperate for something sweet, so I made some cookies out of oatmeal, cocoa, peanut butter, and brown sugar. They were ok, I put them in the fridge so they were kind of like fudge. We're broke of course, so I don't have much money to spend on food which is good. I've got $50 that needs to last me until next Monday, so we are going to be eating a lot of market vegetables this week.

Oh, and thank goodness, someone finished the Nutella so that I couldn't. I really just can't have crap food in the house. If it's there, I start thinking to myself, I should just finish it all now so that it will be gone and I won't be able to eat it anymore. I need to make sure if I buy treats, that there are only a few, and that someone is around to share with so that I can't later on binge on them.

Binge

Yesterday when I got home and went to pay the rent, I found out that last month, my husband didn't pay when I gave him the money. I was so upset. We are so behind on our bills and it's so stressful.

We walked up to the house and I was shaking.

And what was the first thing I did? Eat. I took out the leftovers from last night, and started shoveling it into my mouth. Not even tasting it. Just trying to get as much of it in as I could. And then I had bread with Nutella. I don't think I even stopped to breathe until it was almost gone.

The whole time I was eating, I knew why I was doing it.

Because I was mad!
Because how could he not pay the rent!
Because I couldn't control anything except for what I put in my mouth!

I stopped for a while, but later, once Z went to bed, and I was by myself and still upset, I ate tuna salad with crackers and then yogurt with bananas and more Nutella.

(Why did I buy that Nutella last week? So stupid. I can't handle having chocolate, in any form, in the house.)

It could have been worse. If I had had more food in the house it would have been. But that doesn't touch the root of the problem, which is binging and emotional eating. I wonder if I will ever get to the point that I can replace this behavior with something else. It sounds so easy to say, "Go for a walk", "Have a hobby", "Get out of the house". But I haven't gotten there yet

This morning I weighed myself expecting a huge gain. I was at 243 lbs thank goodness. I dropped Z off with my mother in law and then walked 15 minutes to work. I was sweating by the time I got there, so I felt good.

So now all I can do is try again today. Try to eat when I'm hungry, and move as much as possible, and realize that even if I can't control everything, I can control what I put into my body and I don't need to sabotage myself because I'm upset with other people.

Sleep

Yesterday I had a pretty good day all around. I ate well (1320 Calories), walked when I could (around the buildings at work, and in town carting around groceries and Z). M and I had lunch together. He's been coming over to do that quite a bit lately. It's really nice. Even just to have 30 minutes together, Z-free, to connect. His schedule makes him work late, so usually in the evening, it's just me and the baby.

Last night I fell asleep really early. 8 o'clock. That's happened several times in the past 2 weeks. I'm just so tired. I think getting back to walking is wearing me out. But I sleep better at night, even if Z wakes up.

A lot of nights one of us ends up sleeping on the couch in the front room. He's had a cold, so he's been waking up, wanting to nurse, and once he gets into our bed, he often doesn't want to go back to his. So it gets crowded and we all sleep better if one of us sleeps on the couch. Not the best for marital relations, but sometimes sleep is more important.

Monday Again

I'm still having issues with my scale. When I got home on Friday I decided to weigh myself again and it consistently read 243 lbs. And Saturday it did as well. So I'm not changing my official weigh-in, but I am feeling much better.

I hate the fact that 3 little numbers can affect my day so much, but they do. I know I shouldn't weigh myself as much as I do, but I can't seem to stop.

This weekend was good. My husband, M, was actually home for most of it. He's in law enforcement, and so his hours are never-ending. On Sunday we went to go see his cousin's new baby and had a really nice day . Holding the new baby made me think a bit about having another one. M is ready to have another baby, and the only thing holding me back is this weight.

Living in a developing country, means that health care here is not that great. When I had Z, I was lucky that I had a normal pregnancy and no problems during delivery, but this is not a place that I want to have a high-risk pregnancy. And so, I feel that I need to lose enough weight to be healthier, and not put my baby at risk. I also know that during this next pregnancy, I need to walk more and eat a more balanced diet (i.e. not so much chocolate) so that I gain less. Gaining 60 lbs while I was pregnant made me so miserable in the end. I felt so slow and awkward and I couldn't move easily. I know pregnancy has a certain degree of awkwardness, but I don't think gaining that much weight helped.

Hopefully by this time next year I will be expecting again, at a healthier weight, able to walk and keep up with a 2 year old.

Last night I had a bit of a binge. Luckily there wasn't much to binge on, but I managed to find stuff. When we got home I had 2 pieces of bread with Nutella. Then, M had to go into work and said he would be only an hour or two. An hour or 2 came and went. Z went to bed and it was just me. I had a small bit of the leftovers from lunch. But I was still thinking I needed to eat dinner, even though I was really already full. And M didn't come, and so I had tuna salad and 2 tomatoes. And he still didn't come so I had some crackers and a latte and some arrowroot cookies.

It could have been much worse. I don't overeat when he's there. It's because I'm distracted and have some one to talk to and I'm not lonely. But when he's gone so much, I get lonely and I start eating. He's very supportive and doesn't think I need to change anything about my body. And he says if I do want to lose weight then he will support me because it's what will make me happy. It is great to have a man who loves me for who I am and thinks I'm sexy and attractive no matter what I weigh...but the weight affects my self-confidence and therefore affects our relationship.

Weigh-In

I Need a New Scale

This morning I got on the scale for my weekly weigh-in and nearly threw it out the window. As I got on I just kept thinking "Please please, just go down a little bit". And it read 243 (I was thinking that would be good)...no 242...no 241.5. Stupid scale. Off and back on. Now it says 245...no, 245.5. Damnit. Off and back on and it says 246. Arrgh. So which number do I take. The lowest? An average? I hate this scale.

May as well go with the highest. 246lbs. Giving me a 1/2 lb. loss for the week. Woop-de-friggin-do. I'm not really upset about 246, because that's what I deserve for this past week. I only exercised twice (30 minute walks to work) and only ate within my calories (1200-1400) on one of those days. The other days weren't as bad as they could have been...1500-1600 mostly, with one lovely 2100.

I will not be discouraged.

My first goal is to reach 240 lbs. I know I can do it if I keep exercising and chill out on the cookies and bread.

My Baby

I love being a mom. Z is 15 months old now and such a sweet boy. He has his moments of course. Like the other day in the grocery store when he took a wack at anyone who got too close to the cart.

I guess it's every mama's destiny to feel like they are never doing enough. Managing work, and the house, and the husband with a demanding job, and parenting is hard work. In the beginning I felt that I couldn't manage any of them well. Now I feel that I'm doing much better. I try not to worry about doing everything at once, and instead spend time playing with Z. It of course makes a big difference that he is finally sleeping through the night now. He's still nursing, so he gets up when he's not feeling well, but the majority of the time now he sleeps from 7 pm until 6 am. It feels SO good to get a good night's sleep.

Z is a great exercise buddy. He thinks it's so funny to see me running or jumping around our living room and joins in. He loves going for walks in the stroller too. I need to remember when I am trying to get motivated to exercise that it's good for him too.

A Few Good Things

This week....

I drank 2 L of water everyday.
I was on time for work all week.
I walked to work twice (once with Z in the stroller and once carrying him in the sling).
I kept track of my calories everyday.
I ate fruit and veggies everyday.
I turned off the TV and went to bed early.
I managed to do laundry and the dishes all week, so going into this weekend the house is clean.


Marvelous, Marvelous Washing Machine

I love my washing machine. Love it. It's second hand and rusty on the bottom, but it WASHES OUR CLOTHES AUTOMATICALLY.

You're probably thinking, "Why is this chick getting so excited about a washing machine?". It's because I no longer have to wash by hand. For the 6 years I've been here, I've washed everything by hand. It was so time consuming, that every weekend I felt like all I did was wash.

And then my life changed.

Since last month I have had this magic machine that let's me throw everything in and walk away and do something else and when I come back it's clean. I love that!

Isn't technology great?

Fat Fat Wei

I've been called fat several times before in my life, but never as much as when I moved to the South Pacific.

I think I remember the first time I was called fat. It was in the third grade. A boy I liked said he liked me but I was too fat. The next memorable time was in the sixth grade. This mean little punk of a boy, Jeff, came up to me on the playground and out of nowhere, in front of everyone (note: we had just moved that summer so this was a brand new school at the beginning of adolescence) said "you are so fat." What a jerk.

But as I said before, upon coming to the South Pacific, I've lost count of how many times I've been called fat. Here it's not so much a negative thing to be fat, it's just that people love stating the obvious. The first few times, I was so hurt and offended and would cry and cry once I got back to my little grass hut. I couldn't believe how people could be so rude. How could they call me fat...and in front of other people!

I knew I was fat. I'd been fat all my life. At age 25 I'd reached my highest weight of 267 lbs. Before I signed up to be a volunteer in the Pacific, I wasn't really miserable but I wasn't happy. I felt invisible. Like people looked right through me as though I was nothing.

Coming here was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. I ended up being posted on a remote little island where the nearest telephone was 1 1/2 hours walk away, the airport and post office were 3 hours away, and the village I lived in was in a valley, so to get out to go anywhere, you had to climb uphill. The food was all freshly grown in gardens scattered over the hills and no one had ever heard of McDonald's.

In the first 3 months I lost 30 lbs. In the following 4 months I lost another 40 lbs. By the time I had been there a year, I was down to 180 lbs, which was the same weight I was when I was a freshman in high school. The great thing about losing the weight, was that I almost didn't realize it was happening. My clothes were loser and it kept getting easier climbing the hills, but with only a little hand mirror, I hadn't seen myself in months. Anyone that's lost a good deal of weight knows that it takes a while to mentally catch up with your new smaller self and it took a long time for my brain to catch up with my body.

For four years I maintained that weight while I worked on the island.

I met my husband here, and once we were married and moved to the capital city, things started to change. We had decided to start trying to have a baby as soon as we could, and wouldn't you know, I was pregnant 2 weeks later. I told myself that I would not stress about my weight while I was pregnant. And so I started eating for two, and on some days three or four. The change from living out in the middle of nowhere, to living in a town where ice cream and french fries and public transport were available did not go over well for me. However, my pregnancy went well and I delivered a beautiful 8 lb. 8oz. baby boy last year.

A few weeks later when I got on the scale, it was back to 237lbs.

And no it didn't stop there.

After a trip home to the States that December, I managed to put on another 15 lbs. leading to my ultimate weigh-in of 255 lbs. in June, when I finally decided to get control of myself.

Since June I've lost about 10 lbs. by getting back to unprocessed food and starting to exercise. Part of this most recent weight loss has been through the help from other blogs. I have to be honest with you, I had never read a blog before this year, and I was really surprised at how hearing other people's stories about trying to be healthier, helped me.

I know there are 1000's of blogs similar to this. But like those blogs I am hoping that holding myself accountable through sharing my story, will help me reach my goals and maybe encourage someone else.

I would like to get down to 170 lbs. I feel like I would be happy there. At 180 I felt good. I was curvey and healthy and could find clothes that fit me. I could climb mountains. I could canoe. I could even RUN!

I know what I need to do, because I did it before. I need to walk everyday. I need to eat local produce the majority of the time. And I need to keep junk food out of my house. It's so simple when you say it all like that.

Oh right...

I've forgotten something...

I need to do something other then gorge myself when I'm upset or stressed.

So there it is. I don't want to be "fat fat wei" (pidgin English for "really, really, fat")....I want to be healthy for my husband and son. I want our family to grow and I want to get back to that feeling of confidence in whatever I do.

Thanks for reading and I hope I won't disapoint.