There have been lots of times in my life that I've felt invisible. Lately the feeling keeps coming back and I find myself actually trying to make myself disappear.
We had a lunch party for my son's playgroup last week and I was feeling so intimidated. I only know one of the moms really, and was nervous to meet the others. I also knew I would be the biggest one there. All of the other moms are thin and fit and I felt so embarrassed that Z had to be the one with the fat mama. Not that he cares, but what if one day he does? Not that anyone would say anything to me about it, but what I was saying to myself was enough.
We also had a Thanksgiving dinner over the weekend with 3 other families. It was really great. I made most of the food, but we had it at a friend's house since our house is so tiny. However, during one of the conversations I had with one of the women about breastfeeding and babies and all that, she thought I was pregnant. I'm pretty sure she thought that because of the question I had asked her and not that my belly looked particularly huge that night, but now I can't stop thinking about it. I guess I do look a little pregnant with my big stomach. How embarrassing. Perfect time to disappear.
It was so nice when I didn't feel that I was invisible. It was so nice to feel that I was part of the group and that people respected me. I guess maybe that's it...I feel people can't respect me as much when they see that my weight is so out of control. And I know it sounds stupid, but I want my husband to be proud of me. He said he was really proud of me the other night for Thanksgiving with all of the great food, and he tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful all the time.
But it's just so hard to believe.
I wish I looked better is all. I wish I felt more comfortable in my own skin. I wish I didn't get so stressed out about what to wear because I am afraid of how big I look. I wish I could enjoy looking into the mirror and that I wasn't so afraid to go clothes shopping for fear of nothing fitting.
Etc.
I am doing OK, not great, food wise. I need to go back to counting calories to get back on track and stop buying so many treats. I need to get my exercise going again. It's the beginning of summer here now so it's getting hot, hot, hot which makes it a little hard to exercise during the day. I have decided to join the local gym for the next 2 months. When I was out-of-town last month I had the chance to use the gym at the hotel and it felt really good to use the weights and machines. We have a month off starting in 2 weeks so I'm really looking forward to having lots of time to devote to exercise and get into a good routine before going back to work in January.
I'm very much in a vacation mind set right now. I keep thinking about everything I want to do and making lists and avoiding all the things I should be doing at work right now. Not good. I just have to get through15 more days and then I'm free for an entire month. Yippee!!!
I haven't given up. I'm still working towards my goal. I'm still trying.
First of all, I am so touched to be the first blog you ever commented on.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I know how you feel. 2 years ago my mother was having a hysterectomy and I was taking her an over night bag. There was a pregnant women on the elevator who asked me what time my c-section was scheduled for. At that time I was so worried about my mother that it didn't occur to me that she thought I was pregnant. It did later though, and it make me cry my eyes out.
I also feel like its so hard to believe when my husband tells me he loves me or that I am beautiful or the worst: that he wants me. I cringe inwardly and outwardly when he tells me these things because I don't feel worthy of them. And you know I feel the same way about other people not respecting me the way they should because of my weight.
You know what though? All of this holds us back. I know for a fact that I lose more weight and feel better when I am in a healthy mind set. So trust your husband, he does love you, and trust that your son doesn't mind having a cushy momma. Remind yourself CONSTANTLY that the majority of the people around you are not constantly thinking about your weight the way you are.
Don't disappear, come out of your shell, even if it takes a year to get it peeled off.
Sorry to sound so much like a fortune cookie. :) You can do this, I'll be cheering you on, even though I usually suck at commenting.