Monday Again

I'm still having issues with my scale. When I got home on Friday I decided to weigh myself again and it consistently read 243 lbs. And Saturday it did as well. So I'm not changing my official weigh-in, but I am feeling much better.

I hate the fact that 3 little numbers can affect my day so much, but they do. I know I shouldn't weigh myself as much as I do, but I can't seem to stop.

This weekend was good. My husband, M, was actually home for most of it. He's in law enforcement, and so his hours are never-ending. On Sunday we went to go see his cousin's new baby and had a really nice day . Holding the new baby made me think a bit about having another one. M is ready to have another baby, and the only thing holding me back is this weight.

Living in a developing country, means that health care here is not that great. When I had Z, I was lucky that I had a normal pregnancy and no problems during delivery, but this is not a place that I want to have a high-risk pregnancy. And so, I feel that I need to lose enough weight to be healthier, and not put my baby at risk. I also know that during this next pregnancy, I need to walk more and eat a more balanced diet (i.e. not so much chocolate) so that I gain less. Gaining 60 lbs while I was pregnant made me so miserable in the end. I felt so slow and awkward and I couldn't move easily. I know pregnancy has a certain degree of awkwardness, but I don't think gaining that much weight helped.

Hopefully by this time next year I will be expecting again, at a healthier weight, able to walk and keep up with a 2 year old.

Last night I had a bit of a binge. Luckily there wasn't much to binge on, but I managed to find stuff. When we got home I had 2 pieces of bread with Nutella. Then, M had to go into work and said he would be only an hour or two. An hour or 2 came and went. Z went to bed and it was just me. I had a small bit of the leftovers from lunch. But I was still thinking I needed to eat dinner, even though I was really already full. And M didn't come, and so I had tuna salad and 2 tomatoes. And he still didn't come so I had some crackers and a latte and some arrowroot cookies.

It could have been much worse. I don't overeat when he's there. It's because I'm distracted and have some one to talk to and I'm not lonely. But when he's gone so much, I get lonely and I start eating. He's very supportive and doesn't think I need to change anything about my body. And he says if I do want to lose weight then he will support me because it's what will make me happy. It is great to have a man who loves me for who I am and thinks I'm sexy and attractive no matter what I weigh...but the weight affects my self-confidence and therefore affects our relationship.