The Scariest Number

250.

I saw it several times on the scale throughout this weekend and I am scared. This morning I was 247 which means up another 2 lbs since my last weigh in 2 weeks ago. But the thought of being back up to 250 is just making me sick. How could I have lost all control? I just kept eating cookies. And buying junk food.

And eating a pan of brownies BY MYSELF over 24 hours. Ick. Gross. I feel disgusting, bloated, exhausted, and so disappointed in myself. How do I get back on track? How do I start all over again. Again. I'm so tired of having to start again. I'm so tired of losing control.

I know what happened. I got upset. It starts with just a little feeling of hurt, of loneliness, and then thinking of how comfortating it would be to make the cookies, or brownies. And then well, I already ate the brownies, so I might as well have this extra burrito, or leftover steak, or slice of cheese. And then the food that was supposed to make me feel better starts making me feel sick, and tired, and so the walk I promised myself I would do gets left for another day. And then I don't even want to look at myself, or the scale, or walk out of the door.

So now I have to find the willpower to start again. To get the junk out of my diet and stop binging. I have to start counting calories and marking off the days that I exercise. I feel like I've been sent back to remedial fat-class.

At least I managed to blog again. It's kind of like the first step back. I was feeling way embarrassed to write how bad I've been doing.

So back to the plan. I'm going to start keeping track of my calories, walk everyday or do my new exercise DVD. I am going to drink my 2 litres of water everyday, eat lots of veggies and make sure to have a snack in the afternoon so I'm not starving and ready to binge when I get home. I am preparing myself for a difficult week. I know I will be hungry and it will take a lot of motivation to exercise when I get home in the afternoon. But I have to remember why I am doing this. I want Z to have a healthy mom. And I want to have another baby. And I want to get my mojo back:)