Again. Even though there are all sorts of reasons....I am tired, I am stressed, we have no money, M hasn't had a day off in months.....there really isn't any excuse for my behavior.
It wasn't pretty.
I just got so angry and frustrated and just stared yelling. At everyone. No one would have been safe from it this morning. And while I was losing it, I knew I was over reacting. I knew I was crossing the line. And so then I felt like crap. Like a horrible wife and a horrible mother and a horrible person. Undeserving of anything good in my life.
Luckily I have a very understanding husband and a sweet, sweet baby who both forgave me.
I wish I could stop being so angry. I know it stems from feeling that things are out of my control and that's when I panic and react with a sometimes scary anger that I can't believe is coming from me.
Growing up, my Dad was a yeller. My Mom had her moments as well. I remember getting mad when I was younger and how the only way I could feel better was to throw something against the wall and break it. Somehow that shattering of one of my little ceramic figurines would sober me up and allow me to calm down. I need a physical release.
M is rarely ever angry. He never yells or bangs his hand on the table or throws things.
Oh God, I'm so ashamed. I feel awful. I'm so embarrassed at how I blew up over nothing and I don't know how to control myself. I have been trying to work on this for a while. I try to relax and think about what I'm going to say before I say it. I try to think about how I would want someone to talk to me in the same situation. I try to pick my battles. But still I lose it.
I feel sick to my stomach. If I was at home now instead of at work I know I would be looking for food to make this feeling go away. At least I can't do that. M said he's going to come for lunch. Hopefully by then I won't have this sick feeling anymore. And then I can apologize again.
I hope the rest of the day goes better.
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