Binge

Yesterday when I got home and went to pay the rent, I found out that last month, my husband didn't pay when I gave him the money. I was so upset. We are so behind on our bills and it's so stressful.

We walked up to the house and I was shaking.

And what was the first thing I did? Eat. I took out the leftovers from last night, and started shoveling it into my mouth. Not even tasting it. Just trying to get as much of it in as I could. And then I had bread with Nutella. I don't think I even stopped to breathe until it was almost gone.

The whole time I was eating, I knew why I was doing it.

Because I was mad!
Because how could he not pay the rent!
Because I couldn't control anything except for what I put in my mouth!

I stopped for a while, but later, once Z went to bed, and I was by myself and still upset, I ate tuna salad with crackers and then yogurt with bananas and more Nutella.

(Why did I buy that Nutella last week? So stupid. I can't handle having chocolate, in any form, in the house.)

It could have been worse. If I had had more food in the house it would have been. But that doesn't touch the root of the problem, which is binging and emotional eating. I wonder if I will ever get to the point that I can replace this behavior with something else. It sounds so easy to say, "Go for a walk", "Have a hobby", "Get out of the house". But I haven't gotten there yet

This morning I weighed myself expecting a huge gain. I was at 243 lbs thank goodness. I dropped Z off with my mother in law and then walked 15 minutes to work. I was sweating by the time I got there, so I felt good.

So now all I can do is try again today. Try to eat when I'm hungry, and move as much as possible, and realize that even if I can't control everything, I can control what I put into my body and I don't need to sabotage myself because I'm upset with other people.